What I Would Have Read Aloud

The following is what I was going to read at Mojoe's on December 3 2005.

The title is "Dear America."

-I was 5-feet behind three late-20-something females on the way to the el. One would turn her head every five seconds or so. After two blocks, the three stopped to look at an Italian restaurant's menu. They were scared of me. They were not scared to talk to a homeless guy when we shared the same el car.

-Tool makes me wish for the apocalypse.

-People that write to the op-ed section of newspapers should not begin their letter with, "Dear American, I'm fed up..."

-I spent the day listing my top 100 albums, videos and artists of all-time for no reason.

-50 Cent needs to go away. Not die, but release a string of albums that no one buys.

-It sucks that a kid died because he was sledding directly into traffic. It's not a tragedy that the drive of the pickup truck did not stop. It sucks but the kid was asking for it. It's really going to suck on Monday when some paper prints, "Dear America, It's a tragedy that the guy driving that pickup didn't stop."

-I find Kelly Clarkson more attractive with each passing day.

-I have a hole in my tooth that's been bothering me. Yesterday was really bad. I spent an hour and a half trying to pull it out with gloves (I couldn't get a grip without them). Then I spent an hour trying to get it out with a wrench. That didn't work.

-The Kedzie green line stop is my favorite el stop. They let me in after my card wouldn't read. The State/Lake, Clark/Lake, Clinton, Ashland and California stops wouldn't.

-Aborting drug babies isn't going against god. Having drug babies is doing the devil's work.

-If my mom really believes all Jewish people are rich, why didn't she baptize me Jewish?

-I want to have ball cancer, have the cancer ball taken out and recover. No problems, just one ball instead of two. Then I would have a license to kill. And not just kill brown people, but all people. No male jury would convict the guy that had ball cancer.

-If you're riding the el with a friend and the car is crowded, sit with said friend. Don't wear your IPod and talk to each other across the aisle. It makes me want to write a "Dear America" op-ed piece.

-The German language just sounds evil.

-When things are really grim, I take NyQuil.
-I want to marry Rachel Weisz, have an affair with Kelly Clarkson and have David Bowie stalk me. Then, I want Kanye West and Jon Brion to produce the David Bowie album that is about stalking me. Bowie and Clarkson would do a duet and Rachel Weisz would be on the album's cover.
If this happens, 6 months later I'll get ball cancer. Weisz will divorce me, Clarkson won't see me and Bowie will get bored of me so I'll all of them. After being acquitted, I'll publish a book called "Dear America." It'll be a picture book with German captions.

-Chimichanga is a fun word to say.

-Why would anyone buy a commemorative jacket? I.E. "Super Bowl XXVIII"

-My goal as a father is to never have a daughter that refers to her as a cum-bucket, cum-dumpster or any other receptacle prefaced with the word cum.

-Every time I get on a new el car, I look around and decide who will be my lifelong companion if we crash and are trapped for the rest of eternity. I think I found someone on this car. Wait. No. She's reading "People."