What a read!

When I die around the age of thirty I would like every obituary to mention heavy drug use. I don't care if I die from cancer, a car accident or drug use, I just want to make sure everyone thinks they're right when they think I died of drug use.

I was lucky enough to perform on Friday night's Around the Coyote self-publishers event. I disappointed myself. I didn't go in with high expectations, but going third out of thirteen gave me a lot of time to think about what I should have done. Oh well, can't live in the past. Then again, most zines are about the recent past written by people that shouldn't, therefore I am qualified to live in the past.

I read a piece about how I want to have sex with celebrities. My mother got a hold of it as I was leaving. She cried. It was bad. Since I don't think I'll ever put it in The Machine or Foul and I definitly won't try to sell it I might as well post the thing here.

"The Following Words Made My Mother Cry and Blew Any Chance I Had with Tina Fey"
by Brandon Wetherbee

Like most people in their twenties I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do for a career. I thought I wanted to be a writer. Put ideas down on paper and get paid for it. It sounded like a good idea. I don’t want to be a writer. In fact, I don’t really want to do anything. Pat O’Brien taught me this. The former host of “Access Hollywood” and current host of “The Insider” taught me a valuable lesson. Everyone wants to do nothing. Win the lottery and fuck celebrities. Just like Pat O’Brien, every non-retard just wants to do a lot of blow and “get crazy with you (you being a celebrity) and some hooker.”

Any human being that is worth anything does not want to work. People that get degrees in business just want to make enough money to be in a certain social standing, a social standing that will allow them to meet celebrities that they will have the opportunity to fuck.

No one really aspires to be a construction worker, police officer or soldier. I’m not saying that people that are construction workers, police officers or soldiers don’t like their work. I’m saying that those people do their work because it’s the opportunity that presented itself. Unless they’re unstable, no one would willingly want to shoot at brown people. How do I know this? Ask any blue collar worker if they would rather do their job or fuck someone that starred in a late-night Showtime movie and anyone would half a libido would choose to risk an STD over an honest days work.

Religious people also want to fuck celebrities. They become priests, nuns and other celibate figureheads because they don’t think they have a shot with celebrities on earth. But they do believe in heaven and it’s a good bet that their vision of heaven includes orgasms every 10-minutes with some famous saint or child actor.

Pat O’Brien and I have nothing against loving relationships. We’ve both had our share of long-term commitments to individuals we loved. But that kind of relationship has too many demands. Honesty, loyalty, openness. It’s all too much. Purely sexual relationships with starlets do not require much work. If you have enough cocaine and information that could destroy someone, you can fill their holes with your caulking gun for years to come.

Like Pat O’Brien, I’ve been drinking a lot. Unlike the guy with the moustache, I have yet to go on “Dr.Phil” to discuss my problem. I understand that it’s not really a problem, especially when compared to people killing others over a cartoon. I understand that I’m not a unique voice. At one point in time I attached myself to causes and hung out with people that read CrimeThink books. It was a good time but it wasn’t really me. I don’t care about migrant workers rights. I don’t care about voter fraud. I don’t care about most of the causes my friends and enemies protest about. I only care about getting drunk enough so whoever I happen to fuck looks like Lindsey Lohan, Rachel Weisz, Kelly Clarkson and/or Tina Fey.

When I begin my quest to infiltrate Hollywood I’ll be able to drink every night for free. No one in Hollywood pays for drinks. It’s the law. I might also have a chance of actually meeting something (I refer to the celebrities as things, not as people for a reason, don’t ruin the illusion) I’ve fantasized about.

I want to get Kelly Osbourne pregnant and force her into marriage. I would be married into the Osbourne’s and have a say in how Ozzy’s catalogue would be licensed.

I want to expose Lindsey Lohan as a cokehead. Maybe this admission will force her into eating again and she’ll regain her once decent breasts.

I want to have one-night stands with every rising female star in Hollywood. I want to make them realize how shallow their lives are and commit mass suicide. Why? It’ll make people in third world countries feel better about themselves. Maybe I do care about causes after all.

Please don’t ask what I’ll do once I no longer am able to have sex for celebrities. If you ask me this question you are dumb. I will do what every washed up hanger on and write tell-all books. I’ll guest star in Lifetime movies. I’ll tell young females from the Midwest that I’m a producer. In other words, I’ll always have sex with celebrities, I’m white, I’m the devil.

I’m a horrible, horrible human being. I know this. There is no but. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should even look at my in the eye. I’m fine with that. I’m white. I’m a male. I’m somewhat educated. No matter what you think of me, I still have a chance. Those with vaginas and non-Caucasian skin are screwed. They may want to fuck every celebrity featured on E!, but I’m the only one that has a shot. Unless you’re an African-American male. I know a lot of females that only fuck black guys because they hate daddy. I’m sure it’s no different for the famous.