Coffeemaker

14. "The Ten"
I started watching this movie at 3am on Monday morning. It's now almost 3am on Tuesday morning. I bought a new coffeemaker and wanted to have a cup and now I'm up at 3am on Tuesday morning. It's snowing and the living room looks barren without the Christmas tree.

How did David Wain get this cast?

"The Ten" is about the Ten Commandments. Paul Rudd kind of introduces each of the commandments and the whole thing ends in a big song. It's fun. I didn't laugh out loud but I did like at least one part in each segment. The comedy is absurd, similar to "Stella" and "Wet Hot American Summer," for obvious reasons.

I am wide awake at 3am.

Thanks, DVDPlay

11. "I Think I Love My Wife"
This film is funny on paper. Louis CK and Chris Rock interpreting a French film. A recipe for success. It's not a recipe of success.

Mr. Rock has yet to make a great film. His stand-up remains great. Why can't he do both? Is it his fault? Can he act?

The beginning, middle and end of this film is predictable but easy to watch. I wouldn't seek it out again but I wouldn't turn it off at 3am.


12. "Loan Shark"
Just because a film is old doesn't make it a classic. Such is the case for "Loan Shark."

The 1952 film is about a man released from prison because he fought. Well, people fight all the time and don't go to prison, so what's up with this guy? He was a boxer and therefore, his fists are considered deadly weapons. Once out of the joint, he's offered a job at his brother-in-law tire factory. The head honcho wants the guy with the deadly fists to find out where all his employees money is going, in other words, he wants him to find out the loan shark. He refuses. His brother-in-law is killed, the dude works for the tire plant, ladies love the dude, he has a violent streak, blah blah blah.

The acting is mediocre, the story is weak and the cinematography suffers from time.

I watched this film because Netflix took off hour restrictions because Apple is now letting you download films or something. I finished this film at 5am.


13. "Ratatouille"
It's odd to hear Patton Oswalt in a Disney film. I kept wanting the rat to break into one of his bits, specifically the one about KFC's Famous Bowl.

Like all Pixar films, "Ratatouille" looks beautiful, is suitable for a 5-year old and a 35-year old, has a simple story that almost makes perfect sense (When did the two chef's fall in love?) and leaves your heart filled with rainbows and lollipops. It was good, but not great and I'm not sure why. I felt the same way about "The Simpson's Movie." Maybe it's because the jokes can't be current or the appeal has to span generations. Whatever. See the film. It'll make you smile.

This makes me smile a little more.


Mr. Oswalt reviewed the bowl for "The Onion." Read it here.

The hamburger phone was a gag used to make her seem hip, but it really shows how the cool care too much

10. "Juno"
I heard too much about this film before I saw it. I heard that it's great. I heard that I'd love it. I'd heard that the dialogue is quick and witty. I heard that the soundtrack was great. I heard that everyone that saw it liked it, regardless if they were 40 or 14. On Sunday I read the first piece of criticism that didn't like the film at all. Jim DeRogatis wrote the piece and it was on the cover of the Showtime section of the Chicago Sun-Times. You can read it here.

I tend to agree with the article.

DeRo's piece, well at least the reason for the piece, is to review the soundtrack. He gives it one out of four stars, not because the music is bad, but because it's unrealistic. Kimya Dawson of The Moldy Peaches appear more than any other artist. She's 35. The liner notes, according to DeRo, quotes director Reitman saying, "a patchwork of homemade sounds made by teenagers whose sense of humor and honesty rang through the crappy tape recorder they were using to capture their chicken-scratch lyrics." That's total bullshit. Most teenage groups, at least all the one's I've heard, sound like shit and only their friends like them. And that's just fine. Teenagers that I work with, specifically the ones that are juniors like Juno, like what's popular on the radio, their friends bands and bands they've seen open for bigger bands at shows. Few have heard of Kimya Dawson and none of them sing her songs with their boyfriend or girlfriend on their front steps.

The film's voice isn't wholly original. Write Diablo Cody gives Juno almost all the good lines, but she doesn't seem that realistic. I get that she's a clever little S.O.B., but she really only shows emotions in three scenes. Ellen Page plays a 16 year old. Female. That's pregnant. A more realistic portrayal would have her all over the map in most it not all scenes. The supporting cast also seem to be too cool for their own good, everyone except adopted mother Jennifer Garner.

"Juno" never had a chance with me and that really sucks. Maybe it's because I'm too old. Maybe it's because I work with teenagers and pregnancy isn't funny, at least where I work. Maybe it's because I'm tired of 'cool' characters. I really don't know what it is.

Pimp

9. "Katt Williams: American Hustle"
The sequel to "Pimp Chronicles" does not live up to the original. In any way. Da Brat wasn't needed. Or Snoop. Or Jeremy Piven. Or Ludacris.

"It's your mother-fucking self-esteem!"

I am not an athlete

3. Michael Lewis "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game"
Thanks, Phil, I enjoyed the book. I had no idea about the phenomenon and I feel like I've been told an obvious secret.


4. Kevin Kaduk "Wrigleyworld : A Season in Baseball's Best Neighborhood"
I ordered this book on Amazon because it available for one cent and I've been buying most books about Chicago and especially books about the Chicago Cubs. Since the weather is so horrible I think I've been trying to escape to Wrigley Field.

I am not like Kevin Kaduk. The author is the typical mid-twenties Cubs fan, which isn't all that bad. He's the frat member that probably wouldn't try to fuck your female friends after a few cocktails. His view of Wrigley Field and Lakeview in general is one of the reasons why I don't live there anymore. He enjoys the Cubs, a great thing, but he mentions the eye candy, neighborhood bars and drinking on Addison and Southport as much as he talks about the team. If you're able to get past this stuff, which isn't that hard, the book is an enjoyable read, especially the ways he obtains tickets.

All in all, if you're willing to get past the envy, the book is pretty good.


5. Jeannie Morris "Brian Piccolo: A Short Season"
I couldn't sleep last night. I loathe the unincorporated town in which my mother resides. Regardless of how tired I am, it takes hours to fall asleep. I tried at 2am. No luck. I started to read this book a half an hour later. I finished it that night.

It's difficult to get a grasp on Brian Piccolo's life from this book, written nearly 40 years ago. The author, a friend of the late running back's widow, portrays Piccolo as a caring and hopeful smartass. Time hasn't been kind to some of the homophobic and racist comments, but it seems they were all in jest. In fact, this little tidbit kind of sums up the whole thing. The story is more well known than Piccolo's athletic career, family life and his actual self and the book doesn't do much to offer much more insight into the man, other than he had a good sense of humor.

Piccolo died much to young at 26, but "Brian's Song" does a much better job at making the man seem, well, like a man.

Pie

8. "Waitress"
This film is nearly perfect. The back story makes the film even more poignant.

Secret Asian Man

7. "Casino Royale"
So James Bond used to be a dick?

The 21st Bond film is based on the first Bond novel, so the filmmakers decided to reinvent the character. This means that he doesn't care if his martini's are shaken or stirred and he likes to kill a lot more ruthlessly. He also fell in love. Then he got his heart broke. Now he's a mother fucker.

The film is alright, but not as good as reviews made it seem. The dialogue isn't that great, the situations are still unbelievable and the new Bond doesn't ooze sex. But it's still worth watching.

---

There's a gym in Humboldt Park run by the city. Kelsey and I visited yesterday. I like the gym. It reminds me of a gym that Rocky would use. I will now be able to crush Russia.

Patriotic

2. Stephen Colbert "I Am America (And So Can You!)
Of coarse I enjoyed this book. I can read and understand words at at least a high school level. I also don't want to shoot at any brown or other non-white people, so of coarse I enjoyed the book.

It's better than "America," the book released by "The Daily Show" a few years ago. Colbert's character Colbert reads just as well as he is on screen. As an odd bonus, the book seemed even better due to the writer's strike.

I read the book peace meal since it was released. I don't think it was harmed by the odd schedule. Then again, it's a fucking book and the words aren't going to change over time, so I think I was fine all along.

It's getting better

5. "The Hoax"
The movie made me want to read the book. Not the book that the movie is based on, but the book in the movie.

In the early 1970s Clifford Irving told his publisher that he was writing the autobiography of Howard Hughes. He wrote the book. It wasn't an autobiography. Hughes made his last public appearance by phoning the press to reveal that he had never heard of Mr. Irving. "The Autobiography of Howard Hughes" was pulped. That's the book I want to read.

And now I can!

Mr. Irving runs his own site. You can download "The Autobiography" for a $5.95 donation to Irving's publisher. Or you can just click on the link and read it for free. Whatever. The book technically belongs to the original publisher, at least that's what the film made it seem like, so I'm not sure why you should donate to Irving's publisher.


6. "Shoot 'Em Up"
My main job doesn't begin until Monday and I'm still a little under the weather. So fuck it, I'm watching a lot of movies. I got "Shoot 'Em Up" because I figured Kelsey wouldn't want to watch such a dude film. Also, I didn't want to watch "Waitress" alone at 3 in the afternoon. It just felt sad.

"Shoot 'Em Up" is the highlight thus far. I think I'd watch Clive Owen on a cooking show. The film makes little to no sense but it doesn't matter. It's highly entertaining and kinda has an anti-gun message.

I've done nothing this week.

Eh

Mike and I were in Cleveland last weekend to play some shows. We played the shows. There wasn't much else to do. We took a MegaBus from Chicago. It cost $4.50 round trip for both of us. I got sick on Saturday. Anyways, the bus back was late on Sunday so Mike and I saw a few movies.


1. "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"
The shitty movie theater in shitty downtown Cleveland had this and a few other flicks. Mike and I chose this. It was OK. I was kinda let down. Considering that I enjoyed "Superbad" quite a bit and thought Reilly was the best part of "Talladega Nights" I figured that "Walk Hard" would be just as good. It wasn't. It wasn't bad either, just not great. Whatever. It killed some time.

The theater had some of the laxest security I've ever seen. It also had "Alvin."


2. "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
Not so bad. Really. The story was extremely weak, the acting was over the top and the product placement was blatant, but fuck it, it's a kid's movie and it made me smile. I also enjoyed the dialogue.

Some evil guy played by David Cross: "Alvin! Stop it!"
Alvin: "Stop what? Being awesome?"

That made me laugh out loud and cough a lot. My laughing made Mike wake up.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" was in the same vein as the "Josie and the Pussycats" film released a few years ago. The villains were both portrayed by indie approved actor/comedians (Parker Posey and David Cross) and both films lambasted the industry they needed and both films featured songs sung in a high pitch.


3. "Breach"
The MegaBus driver was an asshole. He wouldn't let us board even after a woman from customer service demanded him. After shaking his head for a few more minutes, he finally waved us on. Throughout the trip he would make jokes, like, "This bus no go to Chicago, we go back to Cleveland." The broken English didn't add to his comic genius. The driver put on "Breach" a few hours into the trip. Before starting the film, he said "Everybody who watch the movie pay $200." Then he restarted the previews.

"Breach" is the type of film I never desire to see. Like "The Insider" and other films that expose harsh realities set a few years ago, "Breach" is an excellent film that makes you think and blah blah blah. Each actor is great at their craft and the story has no holes. But it's boring. It doesn't take you out of own reality (what odd wording) and doesn't make you think either.


4. "The Brothers Solomon"
I'm still sick. Kelsey and I went to Dominick's the other night to get something from DVDPlay. They had this. This had G.O.B. It wasn't good.

From the writer of the movie with the pregnant and witty teenager

1. Diablo Cody "Candy Girl : A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper"

The "Juno" screenwriters first book, "Candy Girl" is a quick, kinda pleasing read. Fans of Chuck Klosterman will enjoy it. A lot of pop culture references. Not much else to say.

I finished the book around 4am. It was too late to get out of bed and do anything else but my mind wasn't detached enough. I forgot that feeling. I had it most of 2006, the last time I did this wacky experiment. While my mind feels more stimulated, I feel hard-pressed to do more writing, recording, etc. After 20 minutes of thinking about what I should be doing, I devolve into the why, which is always a waste of time.

Argo Tea on a Friday Afternoon

With each passing day free Internet seems to be easier to find. All Chicago libraries have free Internet. Most coffee shops, at least the independent ones, no longer charge for a connection. Even a few of the bigger chains, such as Argo Tea, let you slow down everyone's speed gratis. Regardless of where one chooses to publicly talk to other people without using their voice, there will be at least one person that stands out.

The Argo off of Chicago Ave, the one near Watertower, is usually busy. This Friday afternoon was no different. The only open seats faced west, directly into the late afternoon sun. Once a spot away from the sun opened up I had already logged an hour of online work. The second space I occupied faced a Caucasian woman in her early 50s. She had been in the tea house for some time. A angel that looked like it would have been at home at a grade school craft sale guarded the left side of her space. To the right was a book on Mozart. Next to that was sheet music. The woman's laptop helped shine a light on the tears. Every ten minutes the woman would openly weep and aggressively rub her right eye. Between the tears were open sighs.

Past the woman sat a father and daughter. They looked out of place. Neither of them talked to each other, made eye contact or smiled. The father sat on the edge of his big comfy chair, turned and staring out the window behind him. The daughter occasionally glanced around, up from her book.

---

I finished another video. I shot the footage in September 2006 in London. I forgot about the footage until last night, when I was trying to find stuff I shot for Daniel Knox. I think this will be the last Fetor video without a story and/or a person.

---

My New Year's project or whatever you want to call it will be to watch 104 films I haven't seen and ready 52 books. For good measure, I'll try to make 6 new videos. I should get this god damn tooth, the one that's been fucked up for over 4 years now, fixed and not drink as much booze and eat as much food. "I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but why don't you just get a job with good insurance?" I'll read the books and watch the films and make the videos, but I will probably not make enough to get this tooth filled.

---

The Machine Media Podcast will begin in the next seven days. Kelsey and I have recorded a few but I'm not sure if they're good enough. I bought a preamp and mixer to improve quality and dug out some decent mics. I figure that the best way to make the thing work is start making recordings and see if anyone listens. I sure do have a nifty outlook. Anyways, Kelsey and I both miss doing our respected radio shows so we'll hopefully fill that void.

Buy me gifts. Most are there to help me lose weight, read more and move along The Machine.

Yet another non-plug

The Machine should be coming out in January, our sixth issue and the first quarterly edition. Kelsey and I should begin recording listenable podcasts now that we have some basic equipment. I've started a new blog about "Rolling Stone" covers. Fetor has recorded "The Epitome of Corruption" and released "A Campaign of Suffering."

I have very little money.

Doings

I'm working on a new look for The Machine site. Much more basic, more blogger friendly.

Fetor releases an album Friday. We're also recording one Friday. Same show. I've been busy with that.

It's officially Thanksgiving. I'm in Indian Head Park, bored out of my mind.

I think Issue 5 of The Machine will be pirate themed. Maybe we'll become a quarterly. Or fade away. Maybe have a party and burn all previous issues, leaving no proof behind. Not sure.

Time to make the donuts

It's beautiful outside. It was 20 degrees warmer yesterday. It'll be 20 degrees cooler tomorrow.

Kelsey and I will be spinning Chicago music at Delilah's tonight. I've been listening to a lot of Bo Diddley, so tonight should be good.

Kelsey and I fly to New York next week. We're going to CMJ. It'll be my fourth time, first without a radio station. This means that I don't have to go to any panels. More times to see bands I've never heard of, which is much more fun in practice than theory.

Daytime television commercials make the viewer feel like a failure. Daytime television shows make the viewer feel like a winner. Thanks, Judge Joe Brown, Mathis, Texas Justice, Divorce Court, etc.

BLOG!!!

UPDATE!!! I JUST ATE A BURRITO!!! TOO QUICKLY!!!

If I did sleep with you, I must've been wasted out of my mind.

USA! USA! TOMMY GUNN!!!

I'll be driving around in an Enterprise van for the next two days. I have a college education. That's why the van works. Because I'm really, really smart. And I watch "Maury".

Phil Spector's trial is over. Mistrial. Kelsey will be let down. No pen-pals. At least not yet. That guy is bald! Fashion crime!

UPDATE!!! THE BURRITO IS STILL INSIDE OF MY BODY!!!

Deadlines

Issue 5 of The Machine will come out when Kelsey and I want it to come out. R.I.P. MegaMall.

We're going to New York next month and I'm excited to see other urban neighborhoods for five days.

I haven't read many books this year. That'll change in 2008. Back to at least 52. If I don't follow through I might as well just drink all day.

The Machine hasn't had much work done since July. I haven't written much since June. I have worked on Fetor everyday for the past 3-months but it seems like a waste of time. It's extremely fulfilling playing with Mike and Paul, but what's the ultimate goal? How much are any of us willing to sacrifice in order to "make it", whether that be coke and whores or money and whores.

Proof that I'm a real writer: The walls were painted with the dull pang of children's broken dreams and parents unfulfilled hopes.

Blah blah blah.

It's much more satisfying to sing a song at a loud volume (that phrase is either incorrect or just sounds wrong) than to wow strangers with diction. Unless you're a dick.

Maybe I should be living in a country setting. No neighbors for miles. Scream all you like, no one is going to complain. Maybe we all should live in a country setting. With urban amenities. Like easy access to food, booze, cigarettes and a high speed connection in order to see nude pictures of the cast of "High School Musical" and "Beauty and the Geek."

The "Sex and the City" movie begins shooting today. I hope the following occurs in the "Sex and the City" movie...
-One of the women become unemployed and the other three refuse to acknowledge her
-Herpes
-AIDS
-One falls in love with a hobo
-Stabbing
-A neat fireworks display
-None of the four main characters speak
-Tons o'cock
-A shot of me buying a gyro at 4am in Manhattan
-A cure for AIDS that Magic Johnson steals
-No narration
-Amy Sedaris not following the script

Fuck you, "Entertainment Tonight."

Take my cred

Come live in Humboldt Park. Enjoy the fighting neighbors. Soak in the dog abuse. Observe the 6-year olds play in an abandoned house at 1am. Earn more cred than you'll ever need. Because we all need cred. I'll sell you mine for a place in Lincoln Park.

MachineFest, Night 12

Kelsey did door. I manned the bar. We saw nothing. The cops showing up was a nice way to end the 12-days.

MachineFest, Night 11

Besides the stolen backpack, the dance party at Modemtotem was a success.

MachineFest, Night 10

The Wanderers cancelled on us. It didn't matter. Fuck The Wanderers. Little Sister stepped in and blew everyone away. Fuck structure, fuck politeness, fuck everything, Little Sister has.

Doug Travis needs to play more shows. They're the only band more visually exciting than Little Sister.

Hot Lips Messiah was crowd pleasing, but it's all about Little Sister.

MachineFest, Night 9

Happened.

---

When you know you're no fun

While all the other peers of mine are dancing to the band in the basement, I am upstairs wasting time typing. The stench of weed is a second thought to most, but not to me. Rather than let things just be, I decide to avoid it at all cost. Avoid talking to anyone. Avoid dancing. Avoid making a new friend.

The kids are enjoying themselves. I'm not a child and neither are they, but they are kids to me. They're kids because they dance to enjoy their $5. I am not a kid because I don't pay the $5. I get in for free and wish I wasn't here.

Girls with wet tops and boys with sweaty brows are to my left and right. Behind me is a brick wall. I'm trying to hide from everyone, but not in a "Please, I'm sad, please talk to me" way, but more in a subtle, blankless expression way. People occasionally walk by and make eye contact. I instantly regret looking up.

But things aren't that bad. I have at least 20 more ounces of beer at my disposal. I will drink all of these ounces and use all of my might to prevent cursing at the owners of where I'm currently stealing internet. I will do everything I can to quiet the urge to destroy everything I see. To stand on faces while I stab necks. To dismantle PAs in order to make my sound louder.

Do this, in memory of me.

MachineFest, Night 8

It's not possible to have a bad show at Cal's. It's always loud and if you don't like the band, you can sit outside on Van Buren and drink beer.

Shopping is very good. I bought two 7 inches and a tour CD. Rise of Man makes excellent metal and now I want to play metal. Altgeld Forgotten has gotten much tighter and has played all 8 festivals I've booked (I think). I want to sing for Shotgun For Royalty.

We should have had every show at Cal's.

MachineFest, Night 7

Hip-hop night at the Darkroom. We broke even. A hip-hop show in Ukranian Village on a Monday night with great sets from each performer is a success to me.

Yea Big and Kid Static made me smile.

MachineFest, Night 6

I could listen to Daniel Knox everyday of my life and still enjoy it. His set, along with Eric Ziegenhagen and KT the Band was a nice break from all the loud music. I'd like to have each of them perform in my living room on a weekly basis.

MachineFest, Night 5

Technically everyone at The Flower Shop stopped what they were doing to dance to Nightfox's set.

MachineFest, Night 4

The buzz night.

Charlie Deets was billed to perform. Charlie Deets performed with the members of his band Sally. They performed two songs in 25-minutes. It was wonderful and psychedelic.

Aleks in the Drummer had a piece about them in the Friday edition of the Chicago Tribune and Red Eye. Buzz. Aleks' vocal melodies make their songs. There's not much I can say that every music blog hasn't.

J+J+J actually got people to dance at Double Door.

Arks closed out the night and, I swear to god, they looked like they were having fun.

It'll probably be the best night of the fest.

MachineFest, Night 3

Our first show at Ronny's. If a band sounds good in a garage, they'll sound good anywhere.

Mr. Russia added a second bassist. This makes them a power trio, with bass, drums and bass. Imagine all the Shellac songs when Albini doesn't play guitar. It's like that. It's good. It's loud.

Twin Wrecks the Memory played. They're becoming my go-to band whenever I seem to hate rock and roll.

Team Band got really drunk and were really fun.

Another one next week. I'm expecting Doug Travis to pull out all the stops.

MachineFest, Night 2

There was a monsoon or flash flood or something horrible with rain. From an hour before doors til the last band took the stage, the weather was not on our side last night. Even so, we still managed to have a good night at Double Door. The Hushdrops were spot on. The Goldstars brought go-go dancers to an appreciative crowd. Venom Lords treated everyone to pop punk ditties. Kelsey and I filled time with Chicago tunes. All in all, a good night despite Jesus hating us.

MachineFest, Night 1

Opening night at Liar's Club was fun, too much fun. For the first time I opened a festival I booked (this time co-booked) with my own band. Fetor played a set in reverse order, new stuff to old stuff. We were out of tune, no one could hear my vocals and I smashed a Flying V. It was a good set.

Mannequin Men spun old rock and roll tunes. WLUW DJs made people dance upstairs. Everyone was pleased.

Thunderwing played songs about rocking and did a lot of rock and roll posing. Their fans were also happy.

Most importantly, Herb, the owner of Liar's Club, was happy. If the owner is happy, I'm happy.

We made a good amount of money for the next issue. At this rate, we might actually dig ourselves out of debt.

Kelsey did not go to work. I am even sicker than the day before. We won.

Why did we decide to start a fest on a Tuesday?

Holy fucking

Fucking in a wheelchair, less to fight off.

HAHAHAHAHA. A Poem. I'm a POET. You're a poet.

Do you see that hole? I can't be like that.

Do you know about St. Henry?

We're going to have a bake sale to raise $300,000. It's time to learn God's Gospel.

What the fuck am I writing about? I'm the BEST beat writer. Bro.

This week I will ingest Dayquil, Nyquil, Rye whiskey, beer, cigarette smoke (1st and 2nd) and microwaveable diet food.

Liar's Club. I keep thinking of Liar's Club. Then it'll be the next show. If there's no next show I better break all my guitars.

Two more days

Fetor at Liar's Club. A chance to burn bridges in musical form while showing the size of my guitar dick.

Pre-MachineFest

The fest starts next Tuesday. We lost two venues in the last week. I've been drinking a lot of coffee and hoping not to hear anyone cry.

Do I even like this anymore? Some of the shows are fun and some of the people are fun and sometimes I have fun, but I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't remember the last time I had fun doing all this type of work. If I got high I would have a lot of fun.

It's no fun trying to work with 'revolutionaries'. It's no fun when you're sober. It's violent when you're drunk.

I talk to Kelsey and Mike and not many others. That's OK by me.

I don't talk about my experiences working on large scale festivals because they're not positive. The people that know me understand this. The people that don't ask for tickets.

This isn't funny.

Slowly turning Republican with each inhale of second-hand pot smoke.

Come on, kids

Scary is fun and all, but look at who is making the scary.

The new Manson video ends with his new gal pal, 19-year old, Ms. Wood and the Anti-Christ drive a car over a cliff. It's very dramatic. Then the screen fades to black. Even more dramatic. Then comes "INTERSCOPE 2007".

Scary.

It would be much more frightening if anyone cared.

Melting

I now live in Humboldt Park.

Wang Dang Doodle

3

Issue 3 comes out tomorrow. Party three days from now. The cat loves me because I give him tuna.

"I don't even knows if he's mines or nots."

But Iggy's fucking rich

Josh Grobin makes me happy I'm not rich. I bet rich people my age like him.

No Fun

Non-digital cable sucks.

It took almost 6-hours that I could read before I sleep rather than watch TV or listen to records. That's fucked up.

The Machine Issue 3 comes out Wednesday. Party on Saturday. Rock 'N Roll guitar every night.

The Machine site finally has a surplus of stories. It only took about two-years.

Doug is going to Oregon State. He was kind enough to give me his giant canvas. It now has a noose.

Saturday was Rage Against The Machine. Sunday was The Stooges. Monday did not have a reunion.

My mother is applying for a overnight shift at K-Mart. While I'm pleased that she's looking for work once again, I am disappointed that she is not able to use her college education. I'm not sure if my sadness is due to her or my socialization. Fuck it. Maybe she can steal some shit. Like Iggy. Iggy would steal shit. Iggy would steal shit and then fuck the manager. Then Iggy would spend a few years homeless in L.A. Maybe I shouldn't think of Iggy so much.

What Easter is really about

Nope.

I did this.

Groceries

I can't shake grocery stores. Everything about them. Everything they are to all people. I'm helpless. I can't figure it out. I'll write more in zine form.

I bought pizza rolls and shampoo.

If I don't stop this I'll never get anywhere

Rather than use the internet for good or evil I'm using it to waste time. Accidentally researching stories and finding out more about bands from Chicago I've never heard of. I guess I'm not cut out for writing. I get too envious of people.

The outlying suburbs seem like the Wild West.

buck oh five

Though I've been on a computer with an Internet connection every day I haven't had a desire to update this thing. Since my last update I have...

-discovered the joys of mp3 blogs
-went to a wedding in Iowa
-started a new zine about things I don't understand
-came up with what I think would be a worthwhile grant proposal
-painted a RobotJesus
-wasted days (if you add it up) on the bus

Some of my friends are doing amazing things. Some of them should be in prison. I'm somewhere in the middle. I will never write a song like "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

Late nite, not night, but nite

Thank God for God. When it's past midnight and before 7am, I desire insane rhetoric aimed at God fearing souls. Did you know Jesus knew everything that was going to happen? Well, I just learned that. Thank you, WGN. You truly are the World's Greatest Network.

Holy shit, did I get fat. I don't wake up everyday and think I'm fat or care all that much, but my Widget has shown me the light. Photos from 2001. Photos of things I don't remember doing with people I no longer talk to. I have gained a substantial amount of weight.

Why is Dan calling me at 1:20am? Something about the band Traffic and choreographed moves.

There was a man in Mark chapter 5 that was possessed by demons and ran naked through a grave yard. Intellectuals are dumb like that guy. Girls are going wild. They went without underwear and spread their legs. God is going to hold you girls responsible. Jesus built my hot rod. All programs, infomercial, sitcom, news, etc., should have a guy that ties everything together. It sure makes the Bible a lot easier to understand.

I talked into a microphone, it stole my soul

Click the album art to go to the download page
or click here to get it on iTunes!

Fall of Autumn presents Brandon Wetherbee reading a piece entitled "The Ultimate Warrior was the Catalyst for the September 11th Attacks." Brandon has written over twenty issues of his perzine, Foul, contributed to Sanitary & Ship and is the co-editor of the Chicago publication, The Machine.

Everybody's fancy

We're running a little behind on issue 2. Everything will be done by Friday, but instead of taking advantage of the week off, nothing was accomplished. I've added notes to my stories but haven't put anything substantial on the screen.

Sidenote: I think there are werewolf noises on the Beck song "Nausea". There's definitly something.

Friday night was all about the corner of Lincoln and Irving. Kelsey used to live in Lincoln Square but we haven't spent an entire night in the neighborhood for a long time. We ate at Orange Garden, saw Paul's band at Silvie's (more about that later this week on the Machine site), drank a few beers with Mike at a decent bar that had $1 pints but an identity crisis (sports vs. dive vs. yuppie) and watched "Da Ali G" show at Mike's place about a bathroom fixture store.

That last paragraph is proof positive that I'm much too out-of-touch with whatever is cool. The following will also prove my case.

I spent Saturday with my mother in Indian Head Park. The visit wasn't nearly as depressing as it could have been. Her overall demeanor was better than usual and I was calm after finishing a Mr. Rogers book.

The evening was spent at the Brain, manning the door. I still smell like smoke. It was also the first night there in months that I didn't write a word. That's not a good sign.

I spent more than 75% of the day in bed (if you count a futon mattress on a floor a bed). I consumed fried food like a real man. I napped from 10-11pm like a real man. I'm up at 2:54am like a real man.

While updating the Machine myspace page I came across an ad that looked like a possible DJ opportunity. It was actually for a porn star signing in LA. The porn star is in works similiar to SuicideGirls, if SuicideGirls did actual porn. I did some more research and the correlation between major and indie porn isn't much different than major and indie music labels. I'm trying to find a Chicago spin on this thing because it's one of the most interesting media related stories I've stumbled across.

I'm spinning at least five times in February. I'd like to make increase that number to seven. I'm not sure why. I fucking hate this time of year.

Witty?

This should be more witty. I'm not so witty. I'm full of yogurt and orange juice at 3:01am.

Juicy Juice

Issue 2 is mostly written. A piece on Rogers Park by Eric Lab Rat. A column about the CTA by Emerson Dameron. A interview conducted by Arvo. Kelsey and I are working on pieces about the Loop preacher, the closing of the downtown Carson's, a one-on-one with a dominatrix (I hope this one is taken out of context), maybe the Alley, maybe a Captain Chicago comment and maybe another creepy photo essay. All of this would be done if I didn't drink so much orange juice and soaked in so much Maury.

Lie detectors lie. That may or may not be a lie.

Still in the running

"America's Next Top Model" proves that the females that want to be models on the series are wonderful wastes of life. Almost as big of a waste as that last sentence.

Get a blank piece of paper.

Stare at it.

Think of someone that has let you down, made you angry, filled you with hate.

Cry.

Let it out.

Bitch.

Clever.

Kelsey and I spun at the Brain for New Year's Eve. We had a good time with Emerson and Nell. The first three songs of 2007 were
Mr. Rogers "It's Such A Good Feeling"
Chamilionaire "Ridin'"
AC/DC "Highway to Hell"
The song that got the biggest reaction was Sam Cooke's "Dancing the Night Away".


To celebrate the new year full of Mr. Rogers, Eric and Sarah came over and we had deep fried pizza, Chicago cookies (see The Machine for more on that), candy bars, Oreo's, Chex mix and more. Everyone won/lost.

We just finished uploading issue 1 of The Machine.

Done.

58. Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg "Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini"

It's for the kids, it's always for the kids

My friend Alan is putting together a zine about the holidays. Since I got too sentimental on the baseball issue of Foul I decided to rework "The Night Before Christmas".

Side note: Blame Aaron and Kate

Side note 2: I wrote a piece on R. Kelly in 2002. It pretty much said that people shouldn't fuck with the guy because he pisses on under aged girls. It was sarcastic. A guy in one of my classes happened to share the same lawyer as R. Kelly and the kid told me that if I didn't stop writing pieces like that I was going to get sued. Here's another piece like that.

An R. Kelly X-Mas
by Brandon Wetherbee

'Twas an R. Kelly Xmas, when all through the house,

Children were moaning and using their mouths;

The stocking were hung in the sauna with care,

In hopes that the Pied Piper would soon be there;

The children were soaked on skin so bare,

While visions of happy people two stepped in their heads,

And mama in her room and R being trapped,

Had just entered a closet for a long X-Mas rap,

When out in the sauna there arouse such a clatter,

R sprang from his studio to see what was the matter,

Away to the floor R danced like a flash,

Tore open the condoms and threw up the wrap.

TV glare on the breast of the new-teens chest,

Gave the lustre of pee to a hairless below,

When, what to R's wondering eyes should appear,

But a BET award, and eight tiny pre-teens,

With a little dead wife, so lifeless and sick,

R knew in a moment it was "the best" in Arabic.

More rapid than eagles his juices they came,

And she whistled, and shouted, and performed them by name;

"Now, anal! now, leapfrog! now, doggy and cross!

On, cowgirl! on T-square! on shocker and fisting!

To the top of the shaft! to the base of my balls!

Now suck away! suck away! suck away all!"

As R. Kelly penned "I Believe I Can Fly",

When he meets with an obstacle, he can touch the sky.

So down to McDonalds the Escalade he flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and the Pied Piper too.

And then, in a twinkling, kids moistened their kooch

The groanings and moanings of each little hooch.

As R drew in his pants, and was dancing around,

Out from the drive-thru R. Kelly came with a bound.

He was dressed in all white, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all stained with jism and gook;

A bundle of preteens he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a molester just opening his pants.

His eyes - how they leered! his dimples so eerie!

His chapters were like opera, his words hip-hopera!

His mouth was moist with thoughts of menstrual flow,

And the thoughts behind his mask a desire to know.

The stump of a story he sold on the street,

And the laughs he ignored was some kind of feat,

He had a thick skull and a fetish quite smelly,

That filmed, when he came on a female named Kelly.

He was happy and soulful, a man sure of himself,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of the tape I watched of him having sex with underage girls and peeing on them, on the shelf;

A tinkle in their eyes and a twist on his bed,

Soon gave me to know this man's not right in the head;

He sang not a word, but went straight to his quirk,

And filled all the holes; then turned and he jerked,

And spreading his love inside of her nose,

And giving a nod, up the vagina he rose;

He sprang to his sauna, to his teen gave a whistle,

And away it flew down her down her throat like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he penetrated like a knife,

"An R. Kelly X-Mas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Mother fucker

57. Ross Macdonald "The Chill"

As honorable as Trump

I'm going to win the next Miss USA and blow every strip club owner from Maine to California because it's the American way. I'll also do body shots with every bartender because everyone could use a shot.

I'm going to be interviewed on "Extra" and talk about how I could have gave up and I thought about giving up but I didn't give up because you shouldn't give up.

I'm going to join as many gangs as possible.

Cancer

I'm bored out of my mind. Always bored. BORED. bored.

It's never sunny. It's never that warm. It's ugly. There isn't green anything. Damn.

56. James M. Cain "The Postman Always Rings Twice"

Eric and I had a great time at 3am. We went to the Second City 24-hour benefit thing and saw Shellac on the ETC. stage. We were in the first row, in front of the kick drum. I can't speak for Eric but my hearing was damaged in a good way.

Amy got me the Black Sabbath, Ozzy only years, box set for my birthday. I've wanted this thing since it came out and I'm glad I didn't have to shell out $100 for it.

That should be enough name dropping for a while.

Bored and broke. I'm an asshole to boot.

Check out The Machine site if you can and give me some feedback. I don't know how to fix the front page but I added events and fixed up a few images and information. That information is boring.

I'm siding with a man named Warrior

The Ultimate Warrior was my favorite wrestler after Jake the Snake Roberts and before The Undertaker. He was not certifiably insane, but definitly not a "normal" wrestler. He quit the WWF over money issues, legally changed his name to Warrior to protect his merchandising propects and has had conflicts with pretty much everyone he's worked with. Regardless, I am agreeing with Warrior.

In April of 2005 Warrior gave a lecture sponsored by campus Republicans at the University of Connecticut. The reading was supposed to be no different than the other speaking engagements he had done. The Tent Group, a left-leaning campus group made sure their presence was known. The Warrior is a politically incorrect right wing conservative. Forty-five minutes into the lecture the Warrior says "queering doesn't make the world work". This elicited a not-so positive reaction from the Tent Group. (The Warrior never has come out and said that homosexuality is "wrong," he has said that the statement is in reference to the world's population)

Though I don't agree with most of the Warriors beliefs, I found myself rooting for the guy when watching the clip on YouTube. It's difficult to have any sympathy for a democratic group at the University of Connecticut, especially when they're all white.

After the event the Campus Republicans apologized for having the Warrior speak at the event the Warrior replied and said the Republicans have no backbone and that the campus group smelled like "patchouli oil and burnt flag".

I love the Warrior. I want him to go on a speaking tour with Monique. They would always smell like flowers and piss off everyone. Then the Warrior would Warrior Splash anyone that got out of control and Monique would let all the males fuck the fat between her arm and side.

I'm not reading enough

55. Norbert Blei "Chi Town"
54. some ghost stories book for 4th graders

Kill 'em all

53. Dashiell Hammett "Red Harvest"

It may rain in the neighborhood but that's ok

My good friend Daniel Knox and I are both fans of Mr. Rogers. If all goes as planned we're going to have a celebration of Mr. Rogers life on Febuary 27 2007, the four year anniversary of his passing away. While doing research on Fred Rogers I began listening to an interview he did on The Diane Rehm Show in 2002.

Diane Rehm is a slow talker, similiar to Mr. Rogers. Her voice is fragile and sounds even weaker when filtered through RealPlayer. The host and her guest together is an odd pairing. Imagine an ordinary interview on WBEZ played at half-speed. Anyways, Mr. Rogers is an excellent guest. Mrs. Rehm asks her guest about his characters in the Land of Make Believe and Mr. Rogers presents some of them. The second half of the show is for calls. No one calls with a question. Mother after mother give accounts of how Mr. Rogers has helped them raise their children. The second caller had me in tears.

I used to ridicule my mother because of her love for Mr. Rogers. At 10 years old I didn't want to hear some old guy sing songs. At 23 I want to hear some old guy sing songs.

Things don't seem so bad with Mr. Rogers. He never shied away from difficult issues. Anger was a common theme on his show and there were multiple special episodes that dealt with death, divorce, war, murder and more. It's all going to be ok and if Mr. Rogers believed it, I'll believe it too.

I'm 14

Kill Hannah is on 'JBTV'. They're talking about the Smashing Pumpkins. The only difference between 2006 and 1996 is I'm a hell of a lot heavier and know about a few more bands.

I (kind of) reached the goal

52. Jake Austen "TV-a-Go-Go: Rock on TV from American Bandstand to American Idol"

Ladytron

I spent a few hours making a back-up playlist for the fashion show. When I opened said list while setting up sound equipment I erased my work with one Chaka Kahn song. That kind of sums up the fashion show. Kelsey, Eric and I got to play music for about 15-minutes while dealing with MCing an event we knew nothing about.

I stayed up til 6am on accident. I'm afraid of writing anything too exciting or downright depressing in this space in case one of my students finds this nook of the Internet. Stinkin' kids, never letting me ruin amusement parks.

I'm convinced that art is not all around us nor is revolution. One would be hard pressed after traveling the globe to find either. Than again, I haven't seen the Lake up close in over a year and I live less than a mile away so all that I really know is that I'm full of shit.

He IS the father.

I am an accomplished author that will influence generations to come

Eight copies of issue 17 of Foul were sold at Chicago Comics. I got $6 for my writings. I bought a sweater with my earnings. Suck my dick John Grisham.

World News Now delivers your morning papers, or: the male anchor is a fucking dick

I don't want to get involved with the virtual world phenomenon. I'm about to pull myself out of Facebook and I've only been on the site for a few weeks. I'm regretting ever getting an email address. It's hard to want to move forward with technology when I have health problems that were solved a hundred of years ago. I have the equivalent of mouth scurvey and it's been with me for the last four apartments.

My time has been filled with relatively creative things that will pay the bills, an oddity. One bedroom has no heat and one is much too warm. It's a good feeling to be not on fire.

My schedule allows for daily "Maury" viewings and I'm taking advantage of the luxury. I am 500% sure that he is the father.

The Idiot

Kim Gordon, circa now, looks a lot like Iggy Pop, circa now. Thurston Moore is kinda married to his idol.

Flashing lights

Three guys are installing a railing on the porch. Only one is wearing any sort of eye wear. It looks like the Fourth of July through my windows. Those guys have balls.

My record player has never sounded louder. Little Walter singing sounds like Little Walter screaming. It's great.

The cologne I obtained at Lollapalooza is leaking or has leaked or something and now the box I'm going to reside in smells like 7th grade. Luckily, I enjoyed 7th grade.

Bad in an unfunny way

51. "Teen Angst: A Celebration of Really Bad Poetry" edited by Sara Bynoe

That guy in the commercial

50. John Hodgman "The Areas of My Expertise"

Lemonheads

49. Joe Meno "Hairstyles of the Damned"

Chop chop chop

48. Arthur Herzog "The Woodchipper Murder"

Zineeeeeeeeeeeyyyyyyyyyyy

Thanks to Kelsey I have about 30 copies of Issue 18 of Foul. I have to transcribe four interviews for Issue 19 and my goal for this evening is to have the writing part of Issue 20 done by the time I pass out. Unlike the first 10 issues of Foul I'm not listening to Bad Religion. It would seem odd to hear anything political while writing about the time I was crucified in church.

The heat got turned on. Now it's too hot. My cheeks are red.

I'm still trying to understand Dane Cook's popularity.

Her distance made me appreciate

The Nightmare Before Christmas is getting a re-release as a 3-D film later this month. To cash in Disney is re-releasing the soundtrack with covers by Marilyn Manson, Fiona Apple, Fall Out Boy, She Wants Revenge and Panic! At the Disco. Four of these tunes are on the Nightmare myspace page. I've been listening to Fiona Apple's version of "Sally's Song" for almost an hour.

The song plays an integral part in the movie but it never stood out. With Jon Brion's production (I think he produced it) and extremely melancholy lyrics the ditty sounds like it could only be from Apple.

God damn, this is a great song.

A van is on fire in Hickory Hills and the children upstairs are running.

I tend to agree with the man

47. Jim Derogatis "Milk It!: Collected Musings on the Alternative Music Explosion of the '90s"

Saturday Night

46. Nelson Algren "Chicago: City on The Make"

45. Al Franken "Oh, the Things I Know! A Guide to Success, or, Failing That, Happiness"

Harvard

"The Simpsons" shouldn't make fun of hip-hop. The one's with The Who and Elvis Costello work because like The Who and Elvis Costello, "The Simpsons" writers are rich, old and white.

Post job interview/burrito

The cat is aggressively liking himself to Queens of the Stone Age "The Sky Is Fallin'".

Amazon.com is wonderful

44. Adam Langer "The Washington Story"

I was happy to find out Langer wrote a sequel to his debut "Crossing California". I enjoyed both books and hope the author pounds out a third novel.

I'm watching "Oprah".

DJ Set - The Continental - September 29 2006 - 9:15pm-3:45am

Request

Steve Burns "Mighty Little Man"
Carpenters "Superstar"
PJ Harvey "Big Exit"
White Stripes "Apple Blossom"
Sam Cooke with the Soul Stirrers "Jesus Wash Away My Troubles"

Dandy Warhols "Hells Bells"
Iggy Pop "Tiny Girls"
Rogue Wave "Publish My Love"
Bobby Vinton "Blue Velvet"
Neko Case "That Teenage Feeling"

The Beach Boys "Don't Worry Baby"
Bjork "Hunter"
...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead - "Ode to Isis/Will You Smile Again?"
The Beatles "Rain"
Local H "Birth, School, Work, Death"

Sonic Youth "100%"
Foo Fighters "The Colour and the Shape"
Angels "My Boyfriend's Back"
Horrorpops "It's Been So Long"
New Black "Angel With Cockroach Wings"

Nick Cave & the Bad Seeds "Deanna"
Buddy Holly "Peggy Sue"
The Hollies "Carrie Ann"
Queens of the Stone Age "Little Sister"
The Ramones "Sheena is a Punk Rocker"

The Shirells "Will You Still Love Me Tomorrow"
Detroit Cobras "Slippin' Around"
The Hives "Two-timing Touch and Broken Bones"
MC5 "Kick Out the Jams"
Against Me! "Cliche Guevara"

Reptoids "FU"
Twin Wrecks the Memory "Alcohol and Rock and Roll"
Bad Religion "American Jesus"
The Clash "I'm So Bored with the U.S.A."
The Bobby Fuller Four "I Fought the Law"

Gene Vincent "Be-Bop-A-Lu-La"
Chuck Berry "Brown-eyed Handsome Man"
Fats Domino "I'm Ready"
Dick Dale & His Del-Tones "Misirlou"
Bo Diddley "Who Do You Love?"

Screamin' Jay Hawkins "I Put A Spell On You"
James Brown "Soul Power, Pt. 1"
The Isley Brothers "It's Your Thing"
Curtis Mayfield "Pusherman"
Ladytron "Destroy Everything"

Miss Kitten "Requiem for a Hit"
Deftones "Feiticeira"
hewhocorrupts "She's a Fire Engine"
Motley Crue "Girls, Girls, Girls"
Marilyn Manson "The Dope Show"

Howlin' Wolf "Spoonful"
Nine Inch Nails "The Perfect Drug"
Donna Summer "I Feel Love"
Queen "Fat Bottom Girls"
Bill Cosby "I Got A Woman"

Spinal Tap "Big Bottom"
Spank Rock "Put That Pussy On Me"
Heart "Magic Man"
Mission of Burma "That's When I Reach For My Revolver"
Joy Division "Love Will Tear Us Apart"

The Breeders "Cannonball"
Girls Against Boys "Super-Fire"
My Bloody Valentine "Only Shallow"
Sally "Do You"
Clinic "Walking With Thee"

TV On the Radio "The Wrong Way"
Sleater-Kinney "The Fox"
Gnarls Barkley "Smiley Faces"
Franz Ferdinand "The Fallen"
Gang of Four "Outside The Trains Don't Run On Time"

Interpol "Slow Hands"
The Impressions "Check Out Your Mind"
Bo Diddley, Muddy Waters and Little Walter "Who Do You Love"
David Bowie "Golden Years"
The Kinks "I Am Free"

Urge Overkill "Goodbye to Guyville"
Cheap Trick "Surrender"
The Cars "Shake It Up"
Joy Division "Transmission"
Chamillionaire "Ridin'"

Sage Francis "Sea Lion"
Justin Timberlake "Sexy Back"
"No hip-hop."
Blondie "Rapture"
Bjork "Army of Me"
Gogol Bordello "Immigrant Punk"

Man Man "Van Helsing Boombox"
Built To Spill "Center Of The Universe"
William Shatner "Common People"
Pixies "Break My Body"
Stevie Wonder "Living For The City"

Motohead "Ace of Spades"
Black Sabbath "Sweat Leaf"
Burning Brides "Arctic Snow"
The Smashing Pumpkins "Dross"
Gorillaz "M1A1"

AC/DC "Highway To Hell"
Eagles of Death Metal "I Want You So Hard (Bad Boys News)"
Ministry "Everyday Is Halloween"
The Monkees "Porpoise Song"
Dinosaur Jr. "Feel The Pain"

Blood on the Wall "Mae Abiline"
Bobby Conn "Never Get Ahead"
The B52's "Party Out of Bounds"
Art Brut "Formed A Band"
Elvis Costello "Radio, Radio"

Dressy Bessy "Electrified"
Michael Jackson "Don't Stop Til You Get Enough"
Mates of State - 3 team boo
The Go! Team "Bottle Rocket"
Beastie Boys "Sabotage"
LAST CALL
Jimi Hendrix Experience "Crosstown Traffic"
Go-Go's "We Got the Beat"

If I hit my goal I'll take this one out

43. Max Estes "Hello, Again"

She laughed too

A woman whose husband was convicted as a pedophile said the funniest thing I'll hear all day. When Oprah asked her what she told her children, she said, "Your dad is a pedophile." When Oprah asked her what her children said, the woman replied, "My little 8-year old girl said, 'Boy, I sure am glad I'm not a boy.'"

BAM!

The Grand Prize Game

On mornings when I wake up too early and can't go back to sleep I wish I could trade in the internet for the Bozo the Clown show. There's nothing on television that I want to watch so I end up going to and from local news shows and "Saved By The Bell".

I watched the Bozo show every morning in grade school. When WGN decided to do a morning news show and just give Bozo Sunday mornings I didn't care, I was in 6th grade or something. Only at the end of high school, when the fledging Sunday show was taken off the air that I remembered that Bozo was exactly what I should have been watching every weekday morning for the rest of my life.

Here are my television options right now.
2 "The Early Show"
5 "The Today Show"
7 "Good Morning America"
9 "WGN Morning News"
11 "Postcards from Buster"
20 documentary from the early 80s about math and San Francisco
23 "Laverne and Shirley"
26 "One on One"
32 "Fox Thing In The Morning"
38 some Christian show
44 "Cada Día con María Antonieta"
50 "Cheers"

These are not good options. If you watch 10 minutes of the morning news you've seen everything. I don't want to watch two sitcoms with beer in it, a boring documentary, propaganda, a language I don't understand or a children's cartoon. So, I'm on the internet. I've watched the new Deftones video (not good), looked up who played Chicago's Bozo (Joey D'Auria is my favorite) and found out when the Aurora bound train leaves Union Station. If Bozo was on I wouldn't have this problem.

Bozo seemed stuck somewhere between the mid-60s and 70s. The skits were recycled, the cartoons were way behind the most popular of the day and the clowns didn't seem to give a fuck whether or not they were funny. None of that mattered. I loved the show. I watched it way behind the target age. The news and current cartoons didn't hold my interest. Staring at a 40-something dressed in an orange wig calmed the soul.

I want to watch Mr. Rogers at 7am and Bozo from 7:30 to 9am.

The Marvin Gaye one was the worst book this year thus far

42. Michael Eric Dyson "Mercy, Mercy Me: The Art, Loves and Demons of Marvin Gaye"
41. Ben Hecht "A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago"

His father was a goat-herder

40. Barack Obama "Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance"

He wrote a song featured in "High Fidelity"

39. Bob Dylan "Chronicles: Volume One"

On Pace

38. Alan Brown "Literary Landmarks of Chicago"

Vroom-Vroom

Max and I went to the Dutch version of an American sports bar. They did not have the Bears game. That's ok. The Bears won.

There are signs all over Amsterdam warning people that there are pickpockets. The cartoon pickpockets look like they're stealing engines.

I'm going to steal an engine.

Two books read in Europe about Chicago (kinda)

37. Dan Aykroyd and Ben Manilla "Elwood's Blues: Interviews with the Blues Legends and Stars"

Flight

36. Mike Royko "Boss"

This one barely qualifies

35. Jeffrey Brown "Miniature Sulk"

Warm, Feverish Midwestern Season

This week's "Anti-Social" Reader column is about Jessica Hopper's disappointing summer. Don't most summers seem disappointing, at least in the first few weeks of the fall?

My summer was disappointing. It got worse and the months progressed. Oh well. Once again, I bet most people feel this way. By the time August rolled around there were no more adventures. Nothing dangerous, exotic or exciting. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't great. It was the month that established a routine. Wake up, look for work, watch network television, consider what to eat, not eat, allude to exciting possibilities, decide to not do much of anything, give up on the day around 7, begin reading at 7:15...It's not a particularly bad day, but it's far from life changing. I didn't take any walks or ride a bike or skateboard. Going outside means spending money and that was not part of the agenda.

As soon as I begin a steady job I'll miss not doing anything (not that I'll be doing anything at the job, but it'll be outside a 8x12 foot room).

It's funny when Alex Trebeck gets excited. It's sad that I've seen this happen many times in the past few weeks.

My high school's five-year reunion was last Saturday. I did not attend. I was working. If I was not working I would not have attended. Since I first learned about reunions I decided that I would only attend if I had a better life than at least half of the people there. Unemployed meant not going. Running a successful business meant going. But why? If you only see these people every five or ten years who cares what they think? I think I'll go to the ten-year reunion with another guy and tell everyone that I was in the army but my love of my fellow man at arms led me astray. Then I'll drink a lot of booze.

Maybe if I went on more adventues I wouldn't be thinking about my high school reunion while watching Jeopardy!.

We Could Drag It Out, But That's For Other Bands To Do

"Ask Me Anything" by The Strokes is the song that made me re-examine my dislike of the band. The seventh song on the band's third release "First Impressions of Earth," it's three minutes and twelve seconds of Julian Casablancas singing about how he's got "nothing to say" over a Mellatron (I'm not exactly sure what this is or what it looks like but I do know it's kind of like a piano and it would sound cool providing the score to a 1960s sci-fi b-film.). There's no guitar, bass or drums. The lyrics are full of self-loathing but performed in a way that doesn't seem juvenile or, well, self-loathing.

"Ask Me Anything" is possibly the best song on any album that has been in the American Top 10 of 2006. The problem with the song is the placement on the album. "First Impressions of Earth" has 14 songs. "Ask" comes in the middle. Once heard, it's difficult to enjoy the rest of the album. I understand why the band didn't want to hide the song last, but it belongs last. The first song and the last song on an album can and sometimes should sound nothing like the rest of the album. In this case, it wouldn't have worked perfectly but it wouldn't make other songs sound like a let down, which brings us to our next point...The Stokes let me down again.

I hated The Strokes when they first came out because of their background. The members come from New York City, well-to-do families and connections with models. I hated the leather jackets and Velvet Underground comparisons. It took almost five years for me to get past this (I realize that this is my problem, not the bands, but please don't stop reading). I finally liked their third album. Then they recorded a Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" for a B-side with Eddie Vedder and Josh Homme. I love Pearl Jam, QOTSA, EODA and Marvin Gaye. I don't love when they come together.

Disappointment and satisfaction. These are words that shouldn't describe one's love or disdain for pop music. Using said words make me seem unstable. I should've spelled unstable incorrectly, it might have been funny.

I love "Ask Me Anything".

Two for Two

34. Alex Robinson "Tricked"
33. Don DeLillo "White Noise"

Suspend Reality For As Long As You Possibly Can

"Flavor of Love," specifically season two, is the best fairy tale the 21st century has yet to produce. A forgotten court-jester re-enters the people conscious 15-years after his prime. After one run of joyful series featuring other familiar faces, the American public was granted a spin-off series co-staring a former vixen/current wreck. That spin-off was unleashed on us almost two years ago and the public is still in love with Public Enemy's light side.

The highest-rated show in the history of VH1 is a "reality" show similiar to "The Bachelor". Instead of roses, the contestants that advance get a giant clock. Flavor gives the holes* fun and random tasks, like cleaning up Warren G's mansion and dancing. The dancing sure was fun. Everyone lives in a mansion.

How is this a fairy tale?

1. Outside of Flav's pad is a dinosaur. With a giant clock around it's neck. And it's wearing a crown. And dark sunglasses.

2. The holes wear dresses in most scenes. Most holes wear at least two dresses per episode. Most females in fairy tales wear dresses. I'm not sure if this is true, but it sure sounds like it is. Whenever I picture fairy tales in my head there's at least one person in a dress.

3. Not only does the dinosaur wear a crown but Flav has headgear as well. A viking helmet. There's got to be a viking in some fairy tale.

4. The entire series is symbolism. For what, I'm not exactly sure. World peace? No, that's not it. That's not even funny. I apologize. The symbolism is about being as pure as one possibly can. In other words, it's supposed to be about being real. I've heard the word 'real' used at least 10 times in each episode. That's fucking real, G. Real.

5. Monsters are everywhere. Among the holes are monsters with secrets. Secrets like porn, accents, prison and singing.

6. Three gay men give commentary during commercial breaks. Gay men involved in hip-hop is mythical, something only believable in a fairy tale.

7. Names like Phil and Mary aren't used. Instead there are Krazy, Bootz and other words spelled incorrectly.

8. A hole took a shit on the floor. The hole was not a toddler. The book "Everybody Poops" is non-fiction, but it is kind of like a faity-tale. So, I'm counting the shit on the floor.

9. A hole that got kicked off within the first 20-minutes of the first episode threatened to beat another hole's ass in the name of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I look at the Bible like a big fairy tale. Therefore, this one comes in strong at number nine.

10. Balconies. There are many shots on balconies. The kind of balconies that people climb down from in fairy tales. They usually climb down on fake hair, which brings us to...

11. Weaves.

There you have it, 11 reasons why "Flavor of Love" is the best fairy tale out there, at least until "Strange Love 2" comes out.

*The people on the show are not women. They're barely people. They are holes. Flav loves his holes. We all love Flav's holes. In fact, you can find most of the hole's hole's on the same interweb that you're on right now! It's both fun and haunting!

Artie Duncan and Co. got jobs through connections, if you are one of these connections please contact me

It's 4:38am. The morning after Labor Day. I just opened my first beer of the day/night. Kids around the city will be waking up for their first day of school in a few hours. I will, hopefully, be passed out. Until then I'm going to waste my time looking at the Men Seeking Men section of Craig's List.

I'm not sure where Kelsey is. Since I threatened to make her laptop wallpaper random cock she left the room. The dining room light is on and our new roommate is sleeping in her room for the first time. Nevermind. I hear Kelsey making some noise in the kitchen. The safe bet is on toast...I was correct.

---

When a male posts a photo of himself on Craig's List of just his ass, it's a safe bet to assume he's a bottom. Use some common sense.

Rather than count, Kelsey is pasting all of the posts for today (9/5, midnight to 4:43) in a Word document. 55 people have posted. Glory hole.

---

My chest feels like 1,000 lbs.

---

The morning news has begun. We won. Kids are suckers.

---

Spuds MacKenzie is now my wallpaper. She died in 1993 in North Riverside. Free Willy is dead too.

I found a photo of Spuds skiiing.

---

It's difficult to sit by and watch kids go to school when my mom has no school to go to. It's difficult not to cut someone's brakes. It's difficult but it wouldn't help. Calling schools with incorrect listings don't seem to help either. The older I get the more obvious it becomes, it's all who you know/blow.

---

People that are against immigrants probably own(ed) brown people. It's just a hunch.

---

Daisy Fuentes hasn't done much of anything in almost 10-years except sell workout tapes on informercials. I'd like to see Daisy Fuentes on the Men Seeking Men page.

---

Yeah and he's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac
You oughta know by now (You oughta know by now)

---

Chuck Berry wrote a song that mentioned school. He did not write songs that mentioned watching women pee. If he did, he disguised his lyrics.

---

When scouring the seeking section of Craig's List it's heartbreaking to read a post with a photo that doesn't feature a lewd photo.

It Tastes Better

I read #32 in one day. It made me hungry for chicken. My pants smelled like Popeye's this morning.

32. Maurice Possley "The Brown's Chicken Massacre"
31. James Kochalka "American Elf: James Kochalka's Collected Sketchbook Diaries"

Blah Blah Blah, Lawyer

30. John Updike "Three Trips"
29. Luis J. Rodriguez "Always Running: La Vida Loca: Gang Days in L.A."
28. Henry Rollins "Roomanitarian"
27. Chris Ware "Jimmy Corrigan: The Smartest Kid on Earth"
26. Al Burian "Burn Collector"

I think that's it.

Reverse schedule

I was up until 9am working on a video. Here it is.

Fetor "Honest Abe"

The almost half-way point

25. "Chicago Noir" edited by Neal Pollack

It doesn't appear that I'll read 52 books in 2006.

Doug/The Machine Media will be hosting a few bashes in the next few weeks. I'm excited. I'm getting new music to dance to. God damn.

My Top 6 Lollapallooza Acts

1. eels
2. The Raconteurs
3. The Flaming Lips
4. Gnarls Barkley
5. Smoking Popes
6. Sleater-Kinney

24. Nick Hornby "The Polysyllabic Spree"
23. Nick Hornby "Songbook"
22. Brian Costello "The Enchanters vs. Sprawlberg Springs"

Lollapalooza

I'm in the press tent. There is no more beer.