Coffeemaker

14. "The Ten"
I started watching this movie at 3am on Monday morning. It's now almost 3am on Tuesday morning. I bought a new coffeemaker and wanted to have a cup and now I'm up at 3am on Tuesday morning. It's snowing and the living room looks barren without the Christmas tree.

How did David Wain get this cast?

"The Ten" is about the Ten Commandments. Paul Rudd kind of introduces each of the commandments and the whole thing ends in a big song. It's fun. I didn't laugh out loud but I did like at least one part in each segment. The comedy is absurd, similar to "Stella" and "Wet Hot American Summer," for obvious reasons.

I am wide awake at 3am.

Thanks, DVDPlay

11. "I Think I Love My Wife"
This film is funny on paper. Louis CK and Chris Rock interpreting a French film. A recipe for success. It's not a recipe of success.

Mr. Rock has yet to make a great film. His stand-up remains great. Why can't he do both? Is it his fault? Can he act?

The beginning, middle and end of this film is predictable but easy to watch. I wouldn't seek it out again but I wouldn't turn it off at 3am.


12. "Loan Shark"
Just because a film is old doesn't make it a classic. Such is the case for "Loan Shark."

The 1952 film is about a man released from prison because he fought. Well, people fight all the time and don't go to prison, so what's up with this guy? He was a boxer and therefore, his fists are considered deadly weapons. Once out of the joint, he's offered a job at his brother-in-law tire factory. The head honcho wants the guy with the deadly fists to find out where all his employees money is going, in other words, he wants him to find out the loan shark. He refuses. His brother-in-law is killed, the dude works for the tire plant, ladies love the dude, he has a violent streak, blah blah blah.

The acting is mediocre, the story is weak and the cinematography suffers from time.

I watched this film because Netflix took off hour restrictions because Apple is now letting you download films or something. I finished this film at 5am.


13. "Ratatouille"
It's odd to hear Patton Oswalt in a Disney film. I kept wanting the rat to break into one of his bits, specifically the one about KFC's Famous Bowl.

Like all Pixar films, "Ratatouille" looks beautiful, is suitable for a 5-year old and a 35-year old, has a simple story that almost makes perfect sense (When did the two chef's fall in love?) and leaves your heart filled with rainbows and lollipops. It was good, but not great and I'm not sure why. I felt the same way about "The Simpson's Movie." Maybe it's because the jokes can't be current or the appeal has to span generations. Whatever. See the film. It'll make you smile.

This makes me smile a little more.


Mr. Oswalt reviewed the bowl for "The Onion." Read it here.

The hamburger phone was a gag used to make her seem hip, but it really shows how the cool care too much

10. "Juno"
I heard too much about this film before I saw it. I heard that it's great. I heard that I'd love it. I'd heard that the dialogue is quick and witty. I heard that the soundtrack was great. I heard that everyone that saw it liked it, regardless if they were 40 or 14. On Sunday I read the first piece of criticism that didn't like the film at all. Jim DeRogatis wrote the piece and it was on the cover of the Showtime section of the Chicago Sun-Times. You can read it here.

I tend to agree with the article.

DeRo's piece, well at least the reason for the piece, is to review the soundtrack. He gives it one out of four stars, not because the music is bad, but because it's unrealistic. Kimya Dawson of The Moldy Peaches appear more than any other artist. She's 35. The liner notes, according to DeRo, quotes director Reitman saying, "a patchwork of homemade sounds made by teenagers whose sense of humor and honesty rang through the crappy tape recorder they were using to capture their chicken-scratch lyrics." That's total bullshit. Most teenage groups, at least all the one's I've heard, sound like shit and only their friends like them. And that's just fine. Teenagers that I work with, specifically the ones that are juniors like Juno, like what's popular on the radio, their friends bands and bands they've seen open for bigger bands at shows. Few have heard of Kimya Dawson and none of them sing her songs with their boyfriend or girlfriend on their front steps.

The film's voice isn't wholly original. Write Diablo Cody gives Juno almost all the good lines, but she doesn't seem that realistic. I get that she's a clever little S.O.B., but she really only shows emotions in three scenes. Ellen Page plays a 16 year old. Female. That's pregnant. A more realistic portrayal would have her all over the map in most it not all scenes. The supporting cast also seem to be too cool for their own good, everyone except adopted mother Jennifer Garner.

"Juno" never had a chance with me and that really sucks. Maybe it's because I'm too old. Maybe it's because I work with teenagers and pregnancy isn't funny, at least where I work. Maybe it's because I'm tired of 'cool' characters. I really don't know what it is.

Pimp

9. "Katt Williams: American Hustle"
The sequel to "Pimp Chronicles" does not live up to the original. In any way. Da Brat wasn't needed. Or Snoop. Or Jeremy Piven. Or Ludacris.

"It's your mother-fucking self-esteem!"

I am not an athlete

3. Michael Lewis "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game"
Thanks, Phil, I enjoyed the book. I had no idea about the phenomenon and I feel like I've been told an obvious secret.


4. Kevin Kaduk "Wrigleyworld : A Season in Baseball's Best Neighborhood"
I ordered this book on Amazon because it available for one cent and I've been buying most books about Chicago and especially books about the Chicago Cubs. Since the weather is so horrible I think I've been trying to escape to Wrigley Field.

I am not like Kevin Kaduk. The author is the typical mid-twenties Cubs fan, which isn't all that bad. He's the frat member that probably wouldn't try to fuck your female friends after a few cocktails. His view of Wrigley Field and Lakeview in general is one of the reasons why I don't live there anymore. He enjoys the Cubs, a great thing, but he mentions the eye candy, neighborhood bars and drinking on Addison and Southport as much as he talks about the team. If you're able to get past this stuff, which isn't that hard, the book is an enjoyable read, especially the ways he obtains tickets.

All in all, if you're willing to get past the envy, the book is pretty good.


5. Jeannie Morris "Brian Piccolo: A Short Season"
I couldn't sleep last night. I loathe the unincorporated town in which my mother resides. Regardless of how tired I am, it takes hours to fall asleep. I tried at 2am. No luck. I started to read this book a half an hour later. I finished it that night.

It's difficult to get a grasp on Brian Piccolo's life from this book, written nearly 40 years ago. The author, a friend of the late running back's widow, portrays Piccolo as a caring and hopeful smartass. Time hasn't been kind to some of the homophobic and racist comments, but it seems they were all in jest. In fact, this little tidbit kind of sums up the whole thing. The story is more well known than Piccolo's athletic career, family life and his actual self and the book doesn't do much to offer much more insight into the man, other than he had a good sense of humor.

Piccolo died much to young at 26, but "Brian's Song" does a much better job at making the man seem, well, like a man.

Pie

8. "Waitress"
This film is nearly perfect. The back story makes the film even more poignant.

Secret Asian Man

7. "Casino Royale"
So James Bond used to be a dick?

The 21st Bond film is based on the first Bond novel, so the filmmakers decided to reinvent the character. This means that he doesn't care if his martini's are shaken or stirred and he likes to kill a lot more ruthlessly. He also fell in love. Then he got his heart broke. Now he's a mother fucker.

The film is alright, but not as good as reviews made it seem. The dialogue isn't that great, the situations are still unbelievable and the new Bond doesn't ooze sex. But it's still worth watching.

---

There's a gym in Humboldt Park run by the city. Kelsey and I visited yesterday. I like the gym. It reminds me of a gym that Rocky would use. I will now be able to crush Russia.

Patriotic

2. Stephen Colbert "I Am America (And So Can You!)
Of coarse I enjoyed this book. I can read and understand words at at least a high school level. I also don't want to shoot at any brown or other non-white people, so of coarse I enjoyed the book.

It's better than "America," the book released by "The Daily Show" a few years ago. Colbert's character Colbert reads just as well as he is on screen. As an odd bonus, the book seemed even better due to the writer's strike.

I read the book peace meal since it was released. I don't think it was harmed by the odd schedule. Then again, it's a fucking book and the words aren't going to change over time, so I think I was fine all along.

It's getting better

5. "The Hoax"
The movie made me want to read the book. Not the book that the movie is based on, but the book in the movie.

In the early 1970s Clifford Irving told his publisher that he was writing the autobiography of Howard Hughes. He wrote the book. It wasn't an autobiography. Hughes made his last public appearance by phoning the press to reveal that he had never heard of Mr. Irving. "The Autobiography of Howard Hughes" was pulped. That's the book I want to read.

And now I can!

Mr. Irving runs his own site. You can download "The Autobiography" for a $5.95 donation to Irving's publisher. Or you can just click on the link and read it for free. Whatever. The book technically belongs to the original publisher, at least that's what the film made it seem like, so I'm not sure why you should donate to Irving's publisher.


6. "Shoot 'Em Up"
My main job doesn't begin until Monday and I'm still a little under the weather. So fuck it, I'm watching a lot of movies. I got "Shoot 'Em Up" because I figured Kelsey wouldn't want to watch such a dude film. Also, I didn't want to watch "Waitress" alone at 3 in the afternoon. It just felt sad.

"Shoot 'Em Up" is the highlight thus far. I think I'd watch Clive Owen on a cooking show. The film makes little to no sense but it doesn't matter. It's highly entertaining and kinda has an anti-gun message.

I've done nothing this week.

Eh

Mike and I were in Cleveland last weekend to play some shows. We played the shows. There wasn't much else to do. We took a MegaBus from Chicago. It cost $4.50 round trip for both of us. I got sick on Saturday. Anyways, the bus back was late on Sunday so Mike and I saw a few movies.


1. "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"
The shitty movie theater in shitty downtown Cleveland had this and a few other flicks. Mike and I chose this. It was OK. I was kinda let down. Considering that I enjoyed "Superbad" quite a bit and thought Reilly was the best part of "Talladega Nights" I figured that "Walk Hard" would be just as good. It wasn't. It wasn't bad either, just not great. Whatever. It killed some time.

The theater had some of the laxest security I've ever seen. It also had "Alvin."


2. "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
Not so bad. Really. The story was extremely weak, the acting was over the top and the product placement was blatant, but fuck it, it's a kid's movie and it made me smile. I also enjoyed the dialogue.

Some evil guy played by David Cross: "Alvin! Stop it!"
Alvin: "Stop what? Being awesome?"

That made me laugh out loud and cough a lot. My laughing made Mike wake up.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" was in the same vein as the "Josie and the Pussycats" film released a few years ago. The villains were both portrayed by indie approved actor/comedians (Parker Posey and David Cross) and both films lambasted the industry they needed and both films featured songs sung in a high pitch.


3. "Breach"
The MegaBus driver was an asshole. He wouldn't let us board even after a woman from customer service demanded him. After shaking his head for a few more minutes, he finally waved us on. Throughout the trip he would make jokes, like, "This bus no go to Chicago, we go back to Cleveland." The broken English didn't add to his comic genius. The driver put on "Breach" a few hours into the trip. Before starting the film, he said "Everybody who watch the movie pay $200." Then he restarted the previews.

"Breach" is the type of film I never desire to see. Like "The Insider" and other films that expose harsh realities set a few years ago, "Breach" is an excellent film that makes you think and blah blah blah. Each actor is great at their craft and the story has no holes. But it's boring. It doesn't take you out of own reality (what odd wording) and doesn't make you think either.


4. "The Brothers Solomon"
I'm still sick. Kelsey and I went to Dominick's the other night to get something from DVDPlay. They had this. This had G.O.B. It wasn't good.

From the writer of the movie with the pregnant and witty teenager

1. Diablo Cody "Candy Girl : A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper"

The "Juno" screenwriters first book, "Candy Girl" is a quick, kinda pleasing read. Fans of Chuck Klosterman will enjoy it. A lot of pop culture references. Not much else to say.

I finished the book around 4am. It was too late to get out of bed and do anything else but my mind wasn't detached enough. I forgot that feeling. I had it most of 2006, the last time I did this wacky experiment. While my mind feels more stimulated, I feel hard-pressed to do more writing, recording, etc. After 20 minutes of thinking about what I should be doing, I devolve into the why, which is always a waste of time.

Argo Tea on a Friday Afternoon

With each passing day free Internet seems to be easier to find. All Chicago libraries have free Internet. Most coffee shops, at least the independent ones, no longer charge for a connection. Even a few of the bigger chains, such as Argo Tea, let you slow down everyone's speed gratis. Regardless of where one chooses to publicly talk to other people without using their voice, there will be at least one person that stands out.

The Argo off of Chicago Ave, the one near Watertower, is usually busy. This Friday afternoon was no different. The only open seats faced west, directly into the late afternoon sun. Once a spot away from the sun opened up I had already logged an hour of online work. The second space I occupied faced a Caucasian woman in her early 50s. She had been in the tea house for some time. A angel that looked like it would have been at home at a grade school craft sale guarded the left side of her space. To the right was a book on Mozart. Next to that was sheet music. The woman's laptop helped shine a light on the tears. Every ten minutes the woman would openly weep and aggressively rub her right eye. Between the tears were open sighs.

Past the woman sat a father and daughter. They looked out of place. Neither of them talked to each other, made eye contact or smiled. The father sat on the edge of his big comfy chair, turned and staring out the window behind him. The daughter occasionally glanced around, up from her book.

---

I finished another video. I shot the footage in September 2006 in London. I forgot about the footage until last night, when I was trying to find stuff I shot for Daniel Knox. I think this will be the last Fetor video without a story and/or a person.

---

My New Year's project or whatever you want to call it will be to watch 104 films I haven't seen and ready 52 books. For good measure, I'll try to make 6 new videos. I should get this god damn tooth, the one that's been fucked up for over 4 years now, fixed and not drink as much booze and eat as much food. "I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but why don't you just get a job with good insurance?" I'll read the books and watch the films and make the videos, but I will probably not make enough to get this tooth filled.

---

The Machine Media Podcast will begin in the next seven days. Kelsey and I have recorded a few but I'm not sure if they're good enough. I bought a preamp and mixer to improve quality and dug out some decent mics. I figure that the best way to make the thing work is start making recordings and see if anyone listens. I sure do have a nifty outlook. Anyways, Kelsey and I both miss doing our respected radio shows so we'll hopefully fill that void.

Buy me gifts. Most are there to help me lose weight, read more and move along The Machine.

Yet another non-plug

The Machine should be coming out in January, our sixth issue and the first quarterly edition. Kelsey and I should begin recording listenable podcasts now that we have some basic equipment. I've started a new blog about "Rolling Stone" covers. Fetor has recorded "The Epitome of Corruption" and released "A Campaign of Suffering."

I have very little money.

Doings

I'm working on a new look for The Machine site. Much more basic, more blogger friendly.

Fetor releases an album Friday. We're also recording one Friday. Same show. I've been busy with that.

It's officially Thanksgiving. I'm in Indian Head Park, bored out of my mind.

I think Issue 5 of The Machine will be pirate themed. Maybe we'll become a quarterly. Or fade away. Maybe have a party and burn all previous issues, leaving no proof behind. Not sure.

Time to make the donuts

It's beautiful outside. It was 20 degrees warmer yesterday. It'll be 20 degrees cooler tomorrow.

Kelsey and I will be spinning Chicago music at Delilah's tonight. I've been listening to a lot of Bo Diddley, so tonight should be good.

Kelsey and I fly to New York next week. We're going to CMJ. It'll be my fourth time, first without a radio station. This means that I don't have to go to any panels. More times to see bands I've never heard of, which is much more fun in practice than theory.

Daytime television commercials make the viewer feel like a failure. Daytime television shows make the viewer feel like a winner. Thanks, Judge Joe Brown, Mathis, Texas Justice, Divorce Court, etc.

BLOG!!!

UPDATE!!! I JUST ATE A BURRITO!!! TOO QUICKLY!!!

If I did sleep with you, I must've been wasted out of my mind.

USA! USA! TOMMY GUNN!!!

I'll be driving around in an Enterprise van for the next two days. I have a college education. That's why the van works. Because I'm really, really smart. And I watch "Maury".

Phil Spector's trial is over. Mistrial. Kelsey will be let down. No pen-pals. At least not yet. That guy is bald! Fashion crime!

UPDATE!!! THE BURRITO IS STILL INSIDE OF MY BODY!!!

Deadlines

Issue 5 of The Machine will come out when Kelsey and I want it to come out. R.I.P. MegaMall.

We're going to New York next month and I'm excited to see other urban neighborhoods for five days.

I haven't read many books this year. That'll change in 2008. Back to at least 52. If I don't follow through I might as well just drink all day.

The Machine hasn't had much work done since July. I haven't written much since June. I have worked on Fetor everyday for the past 3-months but it seems like a waste of time. It's extremely fulfilling playing with Mike and Paul, but what's the ultimate goal? How much are any of us willing to sacrifice in order to "make it", whether that be coke and whores or money and whores.

Proof that I'm a real writer: The walls were painted with the dull pang of children's broken dreams and parents unfulfilled hopes.

Blah blah blah.

It's much more satisfying to sing a song at a loud volume (that phrase is either incorrect or just sounds wrong) than to wow strangers with diction. Unless you're a dick.

Maybe I should be living in a country setting. No neighbors for miles. Scream all you like, no one is going to complain. Maybe we all should live in a country setting. With urban amenities. Like easy access to food, booze, cigarettes and a high speed connection in order to see nude pictures of the cast of "High School Musical" and "Beauty and the Geek."

The "Sex and the City" movie begins shooting today. I hope the following occurs in the "Sex and the City" movie...
-One of the women become unemployed and the other three refuse to acknowledge her
-Herpes
-AIDS
-One falls in love with a hobo
-Stabbing
-A neat fireworks display
-None of the four main characters speak
-Tons o'cock
-A shot of me buying a gyro at 4am in Manhattan
-A cure for AIDS that Magic Johnson steals
-No narration
-Amy Sedaris not following the script

Fuck you, "Entertainment Tonight."

Take my cred

Come live in Humboldt Park. Enjoy the fighting neighbors. Soak in the dog abuse. Observe the 6-year olds play in an abandoned house at 1am. Earn more cred than you'll ever need. Because we all need cred. I'll sell you mine for a place in Lincoln Park.

MachineFest, Night 12

Kelsey did door. I manned the bar. We saw nothing. The cops showing up was a nice way to end the 12-days.

MachineFest, Night 11

Besides the stolen backpack, the dance party at Modemtotem was a success.