A woman whose husband was convicted as a pedophile said the funniest thing I'll hear all day. When Oprah asked her what she told her children, she said, "Your dad is a pedophile." When Oprah asked her what her children said, the woman replied, "My little 8-year old girl said, 'Boy, I sure am glad I'm not a boy.'"
BAM!
Thursday, September 28, 2006
The Grand Prize Game
On mornings when I wake up too early and can't go back to sleep I wish I could trade in the internet for the Bozo the Clown show. There's nothing on television that I want to watch so I end up going to and from local news shows and "Saved By The Bell".
I watched the Bozo show every morning in grade school. When WGN decided to do a morning news show and just give Bozo Sunday mornings I didn't care, I was in 6th grade or something. Only at the end of high school, when the fledging Sunday show was taken off the air that I remembered that Bozo was exactly what I should have been watching every weekday morning for the rest of my life.
Here are my television options right now.
2 "The Early Show"
5 "The Today Show"
7 "Good Morning America"
9 "WGN Morning News"
11 "Postcards from Buster"
20 documentary from the early 80s about math and San Francisco
23 "Laverne and Shirley"
26 "One on One"
32 "Fox Thing In The Morning"
38 some Christian show
44 "Cada Día con María Antonieta"
50 "Cheers"
These are not good options. If you watch 10 minutes of the morning news you've seen everything. I don't want to watch two sitcoms with beer in it, a boring documentary, propaganda, a language I don't understand or a children's cartoon. So, I'm on the internet. I've watched the new Deftones video (not good), looked up who played Chicago's Bozo (Joey D'Auria is my favorite) and found out when the Aurora bound train leaves Union Station. If Bozo was on I wouldn't have this problem.
Bozo seemed stuck somewhere between the mid-60s and 70s. The skits were recycled, the cartoons were way behind the most popular of the day and the clowns didn't seem to give a fuck whether or not they were funny. None of that mattered. I loved the show. I watched it way behind the target age. The news and current cartoons didn't hold my interest. Staring at a 40-something dressed in an orange wig calmed the soul.
I want to watch Mr. Rogers at 7am and Bozo from 7:30 to 9am.
I watched the Bozo show every morning in grade school. When WGN decided to do a morning news show and just give Bozo Sunday mornings I didn't care, I was in 6th grade or something. Only at the end of high school, when the fledging Sunday show was taken off the air that I remembered that Bozo was exactly what I should have been watching every weekday morning for the rest of my life.
Here are my television options right now.
2 "The Early Show"
5 "The Today Show"
7 "Good Morning America"
9 "WGN Morning News"
11 "Postcards from Buster"
20 documentary from the early 80s about math and San Francisco
23 "Laverne and Shirley"
26 "One on One"
32 "Fox Thing In The Morning"
38 some Christian show
44 "Cada Día con María Antonieta"
50 "Cheers"
These are not good options. If you watch 10 minutes of the morning news you've seen everything. I don't want to watch two sitcoms with beer in it, a boring documentary, propaganda, a language I don't understand or a children's cartoon. So, I'm on the internet. I've watched the new Deftones video (not good), looked up who played Chicago's Bozo (Joey D'Auria is my favorite) and found out when the Aurora bound train leaves Union Station. If Bozo was on I wouldn't have this problem.
Bozo seemed stuck somewhere between the mid-60s and 70s. The skits were recycled, the cartoons were way behind the most popular of the day and the clowns didn't seem to give a fuck whether or not they were funny. None of that mattered. I loved the show. I watched it way behind the target age. The news and current cartoons didn't hold my interest. Staring at a 40-something dressed in an orange wig calmed the soul.
I want to watch Mr. Rogers at 7am and Bozo from 7:30 to 9am.
Wednesday, September 27, 2006
The Marvin Gaye one was the worst book this year thus far
42. Michael Eric Dyson "Mercy, Mercy Me: The Art, Loves and Demons of Marvin Gaye"
41. Ben Hecht "A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago"
41. Ben Hecht "A Thousand and One Afternoons in Chicago"
Friday, September 22, 2006
His father was a goat-herder
40. Barack Obama "Dreams from My Father: A Story of Race and Inheritance"
Tuesday, September 19, 2006
Monday, September 18, 2006
Vroom-Vroom
Max and I went to the Dutch version of an American sports bar. They did not have the Bears game. That's ok. The Bears won.
There are signs all over Amsterdam warning people that there are pickpockets. The cartoon pickpockets look like they're stealing engines.
I'm going to steal an engine.
There are signs all over Amsterdam warning people that there are pickpockets. The cartoon pickpockets look like they're stealing engines.
I'm going to steal an engine.
Sunday, September 17, 2006
Two books read in Europe about Chicago (kinda)
37. Dan Aykroyd and Ben Manilla "Elwood's Blues: Interviews with the Blues Legends and Stars"
Friday, September 15, 2006
Thursday, September 14, 2006
Tuesday, September 12, 2006
Warm, Feverish Midwestern Season
This week's "Anti-Social" Reader column is about Jessica Hopper's disappointing summer. Don't most summers seem disappointing, at least in the first few weeks of the fall?
My summer was disappointing. It got worse and the months progressed. Oh well. Once again, I bet most people feel this way. By the time August rolled around there were no more adventures. Nothing dangerous, exotic or exciting. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't great. It was the month that established a routine. Wake up, look for work, watch network television, consider what to eat, not eat, allude to exciting possibilities, decide to not do much of anything, give up on the day around 7, begin reading at 7:15...It's not a particularly bad day, but it's far from life changing. I didn't take any walks or ride a bike or skateboard. Going outside means spending money and that was not part of the agenda.
As soon as I begin a steady job I'll miss not doing anything (not that I'll be doing anything at the job, but it'll be outside a 8x12 foot room).
It's funny when Alex Trebeck gets excited. It's sad that I've seen this happen many times in the past few weeks.
My high school's five-year reunion was last Saturday. I did not attend. I was working. If I was not working I would not have attended. Since I first learned about reunions I decided that I would only attend if I had a better life than at least half of the people there. Unemployed meant not going. Running a successful business meant going. But why? If you only see these people every five or ten years who cares what they think? I think I'll go to the ten-year reunion with another guy and tell everyone that I was in the army but my love of my fellow man at arms led me astray. Then I'll drink a lot of booze.
Maybe if I went on more adventues I wouldn't be thinking about my high school reunion while watching Jeopardy!.
My summer was disappointing. It got worse and the months progressed. Oh well. Once again, I bet most people feel this way. By the time August rolled around there were no more adventures. Nothing dangerous, exotic or exciting. It wasn't horrible but it wasn't great. It was the month that established a routine. Wake up, look for work, watch network television, consider what to eat, not eat, allude to exciting possibilities, decide to not do much of anything, give up on the day around 7, begin reading at 7:15...It's not a particularly bad day, but it's far from life changing. I didn't take any walks or ride a bike or skateboard. Going outside means spending money and that was not part of the agenda.
As soon as I begin a steady job I'll miss not doing anything (not that I'll be doing anything at the job, but it'll be outside a 8x12 foot room).
It's funny when Alex Trebeck gets excited. It's sad that I've seen this happen many times in the past few weeks.
My high school's five-year reunion was last Saturday. I did not attend. I was working. If I was not working I would not have attended. Since I first learned about reunions I decided that I would only attend if I had a better life than at least half of the people there. Unemployed meant not going. Running a successful business meant going. But why? If you only see these people every five or ten years who cares what they think? I think I'll go to the ten-year reunion with another guy and tell everyone that I was in the army but my love of my fellow man at arms led me astray. Then I'll drink a lot of booze.
Maybe if I went on more adventues I wouldn't be thinking about my high school reunion while watching Jeopardy!.
Monday, September 11, 2006
We Could Drag It Out, But That's For Other Bands To Do
"Ask Me Anything" by The Strokes is the song that made me re-examine my dislike of the band. The seventh song on the band's third release "First Impressions of Earth," it's three minutes and twelve seconds of Julian Casablancas singing about how he's got "nothing to say" over a Mellatron (I'm not exactly sure what this is or what it looks like but I do know it's kind of like a piano and it would sound cool providing the score to a 1960s sci-fi b-film.). There's no guitar, bass or drums. The lyrics are full of self-loathing but performed in a way that doesn't seem juvenile or, well, self-loathing.
"Ask Me Anything" is possibly the best song on any album that has been in the American Top 10 of 2006. The problem with the song is the placement on the album. "First Impressions of Earth" has 14 songs. "Ask" comes in the middle. Once heard, it's difficult to enjoy the rest of the album. I understand why the band didn't want to hide the song last, but it belongs last. The first song and the last song on an album can and sometimes should sound nothing like the rest of the album. In this case, it wouldn't have worked perfectly but it wouldn't make other songs sound like a let down, which brings us to our next point...The Stokes let me down again.
I hated The Strokes when they first came out because of their background. The members come from New York City, well-to-do families and connections with models. I hated the leather jackets and Velvet Underground comparisons. It took almost five years for me to get past this (I realize that this is my problem, not the bands, but please don't stop reading). I finally liked their third album. Then they recorded a Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" for a B-side with Eddie Vedder and Josh Homme. I love Pearl Jam, QOTSA, EODA and Marvin Gaye. I don't love when they come together.
Disappointment and satisfaction. These are words that shouldn't describe one's love or disdain for pop music. Using said words make me seem unstable. I should've spelled unstable incorrectly, it might have been funny.
I love "Ask Me Anything".
"Ask Me Anything" is possibly the best song on any album that has been in the American Top 10 of 2006. The problem with the song is the placement on the album. "First Impressions of Earth" has 14 songs. "Ask" comes in the middle. Once heard, it's difficult to enjoy the rest of the album. I understand why the band didn't want to hide the song last, but it belongs last. The first song and the last song on an album can and sometimes should sound nothing like the rest of the album. In this case, it wouldn't have worked perfectly but it wouldn't make other songs sound like a let down, which brings us to our next point...The Stokes let me down again.
I hated The Strokes when they first came out because of their background. The members come from New York City, well-to-do families and connections with models. I hated the leather jackets and Velvet Underground comparisons. It took almost five years for me to get past this (I realize that this is my problem, not the bands, but please don't stop reading). I finally liked their third album. Then they recorded a Marvin Gaye's "Mercy Mercy Me" for a B-side with Eddie Vedder and Josh Homme. I love Pearl Jam, QOTSA, EODA and Marvin Gaye. I don't love when they come together.
Disappointment and satisfaction. These are words that shouldn't describe one's love or disdain for pop music. Using said words make me seem unstable. I should've spelled unstable incorrectly, it might have been funny.
I love "Ask Me Anything".
Suspend Reality For As Long As You Possibly Can
"Flavor of Love," specifically season two, is the best fairy tale the 21st century has yet to produce. A forgotten court-jester re-enters the people conscious 15-years after his prime. After one run of joyful series featuring other familiar faces, the American public was granted a spin-off series co-staring a former vixen/current wreck. That spin-off was unleashed on us almost two years ago and the public is still in love with Public Enemy's light side.
The highest-rated show in the history of VH1 is a "reality" show similiar to "The Bachelor". Instead of roses, the contestants that advance get a giant clock. Flavor gives the holes* fun and random tasks, like cleaning up Warren G's mansion and dancing. The dancing sure was fun. Everyone lives in a mansion.
How is this a fairy tale?
1. Outside of Flav's pad is a dinosaur. With a giant clock around it's neck. And it's wearing a crown. And dark sunglasses.
2. The holes wear dresses in most scenes. Most holes wear at least two dresses per episode. Most females in fairy tales wear dresses. I'm not sure if this is true, but it sure sounds like it is. Whenever I picture fairy tales in my head there's at least one person in a dress.
3. Not only does the dinosaur wear a crown but Flav has headgear as well. A viking helmet. There's got to be a viking in some fairy tale.
4. The entire series is symbolism. For what, I'm not exactly sure. World peace? No, that's not it. That's not even funny. I apologize. The symbolism is about being as pure as one possibly can. In other words, it's supposed to be about being real. I've heard the word 'real' used at least 10 times in each episode. That's fucking real, G. Real.
5. Monsters are everywhere. Among the holes are monsters with secrets. Secrets like porn, accents, prison and singing.
6. Three gay men give commentary during commercial breaks. Gay men involved in hip-hop is mythical, something only believable in a fairy tale.
7. Names like Phil and Mary aren't used. Instead there are Krazy, Bootz and other words spelled incorrectly.
8. A hole took a shit on the floor. The hole was not a toddler. The book "Everybody Poops" is non-fiction, but it is kind of like a faity-tale. So, I'm counting the shit on the floor.
9. A hole that got kicked off within the first 20-minutes of the first episode threatened to beat another hole's ass in the name of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I look at the Bible like a big fairy tale. Therefore, this one comes in strong at number nine.
10. Balconies. There are many shots on balconies. The kind of balconies that people climb down from in fairy tales. They usually climb down on fake hair, which brings us to...
11. Weaves.
There you have it, 11 reasons why "Flavor of Love" is the best fairy tale out there, at least until "Strange Love 2" comes out.
*The people on the show are not women. They're barely people. They are holes. Flav loves his holes. We all love Flav's holes. In fact, you can find most of the hole's hole's on the same interweb that you're on right now! It's both fun and haunting!
The highest-rated show in the history of VH1 is a "reality" show similiar to "The Bachelor". Instead of roses, the contestants that advance get a giant clock. Flavor gives the holes* fun and random tasks, like cleaning up Warren G's mansion and dancing. The dancing sure was fun. Everyone lives in a mansion.
How is this a fairy tale?
1. Outside of Flav's pad is a dinosaur. With a giant clock around it's neck. And it's wearing a crown. And dark sunglasses.
2. The holes wear dresses in most scenes. Most holes wear at least two dresses per episode. Most females in fairy tales wear dresses. I'm not sure if this is true, but it sure sounds like it is. Whenever I picture fairy tales in my head there's at least one person in a dress.
3. Not only does the dinosaur wear a crown but Flav has headgear as well. A viking helmet. There's got to be a viking in some fairy tale.
4. The entire series is symbolism. For what, I'm not exactly sure. World peace? No, that's not it. That's not even funny. I apologize. The symbolism is about being as pure as one possibly can. In other words, it's supposed to be about being real. I've heard the word 'real' used at least 10 times in each episode. That's fucking real, G. Real.
5. Monsters are everywhere. Among the holes are monsters with secrets. Secrets like porn, accents, prison and singing.
6. Three gay men give commentary during commercial breaks. Gay men involved in hip-hop is mythical, something only believable in a fairy tale.
7. Names like Phil and Mary aren't used. Instead there are Krazy, Bootz and other words spelled incorrectly.
8. A hole took a shit on the floor. The hole was not a toddler. The book "Everybody Poops" is non-fiction, but it is kind of like a faity-tale. So, I'm counting the shit on the floor.
9. A hole that got kicked off within the first 20-minutes of the first episode threatened to beat another hole's ass in the name of her Lord and Savior Jesus Christ. I look at the Bible like a big fairy tale. Therefore, this one comes in strong at number nine.
10. Balconies. There are many shots on balconies. The kind of balconies that people climb down from in fairy tales. They usually climb down on fake hair, which brings us to...
11. Weaves.
There you have it, 11 reasons why "Flavor of Love" is the best fairy tale out there, at least until "Strange Love 2" comes out.
*The people on the show are not women. They're barely people. They are holes. Flav loves his holes. We all love Flav's holes. In fact, you can find most of the hole's hole's on the same interweb that you're on right now! It's both fun and haunting!
Tuesday, September 05, 2006
Artie Duncan and Co. got jobs through connections, if you are one of these connections please contact me
It's 4:38am. The morning after Labor Day. I just opened my first beer of the day/night. Kids around the city will be waking up for their first day of school in a few hours. I will, hopefully, be passed out. Until then I'm going to waste my time looking at the Men Seeking Men section of Craig's List.
I'm not sure where Kelsey is. Since I threatened to make her laptop wallpaper random cock she left the room. The dining room light is on and our new roommate is sleeping in her room for the first time. Nevermind. I hear Kelsey making some noise in the kitchen. The safe bet is on toast...I was correct.
---
When a male posts a photo of himself on Craig's List of just his ass, it's a safe bet to assume he's a bottom. Use some common sense.
Rather than count, Kelsey is pasting all of the posts for today (9/5, midnight to 4:43) in a Word document. 55 people have posted. Glory hole.
---
My chest feels like 1,000 lbs.
---
The morning news has begun. We won. Kids are suckers.
---
Spuds MacKenzie is now my wallpaper. She died in 1993 in North Riverside. Free Willy is dead too.
I found a photo of Spuds skiiing.
---
It's difficult to sit by and watch kids go to school when my mom has no school to go to. It's difficult not to cut someone's brakes. It's difficult but it wouldn't help. Calling schools with incorrect listings don't seem to help either. The older I get the more obvious it becomes, it's all who you know/blow.
---
People that are against immigrants probably own(ed) brown people. It's just a hunch.
---
Daisy Fuentes hasn't done much of anything in almost 10-years except sell workout tapes on informercials. I'd like to see Daisy Fuentes on the Men Seeking Men page.
---
Yeah and he's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac
You oughta know by now (You oughta know by now)
---
Chuck Berry wrote a song that mentioned school. He did not write songs that mentioned watching women pee. If he did, he disguised his lyrics.
---
When scouring the seeking section of Craig's List it's heartbreaking to read a post with a photo that doesn't feature a lewd photo.
I'm not sure where Kelsey is. Since I threatened to make her laptop wallpaper random cock she left the room. The dining room light is on and our new roommate is sleeping in her room for the first time. Nevermind. I hear Kelsey making some noise in the kitchen. The safe bet is on toast...I was correct.
---
When a male posts a photo of himself on Craig's List of just his ass, it's a safe bet to assume he's a bottom. Use some common sense.
Rather than count, Kelsey is pasting all of the posts for today (9/5, midnight to 4:43) in a Word document. 55 people have posted. Glory hole.
---
My chest feels like 1,000 lbs.
---
The morning news has begun. We won. Kids are suckers.
---
Spuds MacKenzie is now my wallpaper. She died in 1993 in North Riverside. Free Willy is dead too.
I found a photo of Spuds skiiing.
---
It's difficult to sit by and watch kids go to school when my mom has no school to go to. It's difficult not to cut someone's brakes. It's difficult but it wouldn't help. Calling schools with incorrect listings don't seem to help either. The older I get the more obvious it becomes, it's all who you know/blow.
---
People that are against immigrants probably own(ed) brown people. It's just a hunch.
---
Daisy Fuentes hasn't done much of anything in almost 10-years except sell workout tapes on informercials. I'd like to see Daisy Fuentes on the Men Seeking Men page.
---
Yeah and he's tradin' in his Chevy for a Cadillac-ac-ac-ac-ac-ac
You oughta know by now (You oughta know by now)
---
Chuck Berry wrote a song that mentioned school. He did not write songs that mentioned watching women pee. If he did, he disguised his lyrics.
---
When scouring the seeking section of Craig's List it's heartbreaking to read a post with a photo that doesn't feature a lewd photo.
Sunday, September 03, 2006
It Tastes Better
I read #32 in one day. It made me hungry for chicken. My pants smelled like Popeye's this morning.
32. Maurice Possley "The Brown's Chicken Massacre"
31. James Kochalka "American Elf: James Kochalka's Collected Sketchbook Diaries"
32. Maurice Possley "The Brown's Chicken Massacre"
31. James Kochalka "American Elf: James Kochalka's Collected Sketchbook Diaries"
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