It's for the kids, it's always for the kids

My friend Alan is putting together a zine about the holidays. Since I got too sentimental on the baseball issue of Foul I decided to rework "The Night Before Christmas".

Side note: Blame Aaron and Kate

Side note 2: I wrote a piece on R. Kelly in 2002. It pretty much said that people shouldn't fuck with the guy because he pisses on under aged girls. It was sarcastic. A guy in one of my classes happened to share the same lawyer as R. Kelly and the kid told me that if I didn't stop writing pieces like that I was going to get sued. Here's another piece like that.

An R. Kelly X-Mas
by Brandon Wetherbee

'Twas an R. Kelly Xmas, when all through the house,

Children were moaning and using their mouths;

The stocking were hung in the sauna with care,

In hopes that the Pied Piper would soon be there;

The children were soaked on skin so bare,

While visions of happy people two stepped in their heads,

And mama in her room and R being trapped,

Had just entered a closet for a long X-Mas rap,

When out in the sauna there arouse such a clatter,

R sprang from his studio to see what was the matter,

Away to the floor R danced like a flash,

Tore open the condoms and threw up the wrap.

TV glare on the breast of the new-teens chest,

Gave the lustre of pee to a hairless below,

When, what to R's wondering eyes should appear,

But a BET award, and eight tiny pre-teens,

With a little dead wife, so lifeless and sick,

R knew in a moment it was "the best" in Arabic.

More rapid than eagles his juices they came,

And she whistled, and shouted, and performed them by name;

"Now, anal! now, leapfrog! now, doggy and cross!

On, cowgirl! on T-square! on shocker and fisting!

To the top of the shaft! to the base of my balls!

Now suck away! suck away! suck away all!"

As R. Kelly penned "I Believe I Can Fly",

When he meets with an obstacle, he can touch the sky.

So down to McDonalds the Escalade he flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and the Pied Piper too.

And then, in a twinkling, kids moistened their kooch

The groanings and moanings of each little hooch.

As R drew in his pants, and was dancing around,

Out from the drive-thru R. Kelly came with a bound.

He was dressed in all white, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all stained with jism and gook;

A bundle of preteens he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a molester just opening his pants.

His eyes - how they leered! his dimples so eerie!

His chapters were like opera, his words hip-hopera!

His mouth was moist with thoughts of menstrual flow,

And the thoughts behind his mask a desire to know.

The stump of a story he sold on the street,

And the laughs he ignored was some kind of feat,

He had a thick skull and a fetish quite smelly,

That filmed, when he came on a female named Kelly.

He was happy and soulful, a man sure of himself,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of the tape I watched of him having sex with underage girls and peeing on them, on the shelf;

A tinkle in their eyes and a twist on his bed,

Soon gave me to know this man's not right in the head;

He sang not a word, but went straight to his quirk,

And filled all the holes; then turned and he jerked,

And spreading his love inside of her nose,

And giving a nod, up the vagina he rose;

He sprang to his sauna, to his teen gave a whistle,

And away it flew down her down her throat like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he penetrated like a knife,

"An R. Kelly X-Mas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Mother fucker

57. Ross Macdonald "The Chill"

As honorable as Trump

I'm going to win the next Miss USA and blow every strip club owner from Maine to California because it's the American way. I'll also do body shots with every bartender because everyone could use a shot.

I'm going to be interviewed on "Extra" and talk about how I could have gave up and I thought about giving up but I didn't give up because you shouldn't give up.

I'm going to join as many gangs as possible.

Cancer

I'm bored out of my mind. Always bored. BORED. bored.

It's never sunny. It's never that warm. It's ugly. There isn't green anything. Damn.

56. James M. Cain "The Postman Always Rings Twice"

Eric and I had a great time at 3am. We went to the Second City 24-hour benefit thing and saw Shellac on the ETC. stage. We were in the first row, in front of the kick drum. I can't speak for Eric but my hearing was damaged in a good way.

Amy got me the Black Sabbath, Ozzy only years, box set for my birthday. I've wanted this thing since it came out and I'm glad I didn't have to shell out $100 for it.

That should be enough name dropping for a while.

Bored and broke. I'm an asshole to boot.

Check out The Machine site if you can and give me some feedback. I don't know how to fix the front page but I added events and fixed up a few images and information. That information is boring.

I'm siding with a man named Warrior

The Ultimate Warrior was my favorite wrestler after Jake the Snake Roberts and before The Undertaker. He was not certifiably insane, but definitly not a "normal" wrestler. He quit the WWF over money issues, legally changed his name to Warrior to protect his merchandising propects and has had conflicts with pretty much everyone he's worked with. Regardless, I am agreeing with Warrior.

In April of 2005 Warrior gave a lecture sponsored by campus Republicans at the University of Connecticut. The reading was supposed to be no different than the other speaking engagements he had done. The Tent Group, a left-leaning campus group made sure their presence was known. The Warrior is a politically incorrect right wing conservative. Forty-five minutes into the lecture the Warrior says "queering doesn't make the world work". This elicited a not-so positive reaction from the Tent Group. (The Warrior never has come out and said that homosexuality is "wrong," he has said that the statement is in reference to the world's population)

Though I don't agree with most of the Warriors beliefs, I found myself rooting for the guy when watching the clip on YouTube. It's difficult to have any sympathy for a democratic group at the University of Connecticut, especially when they're all white.

After the event the Campus Republicans apologized for having the Warrior speak at the event the Warrior replied and said the Republicans have no backbone and that the campus group smelled like "patchouli oil and burnt flag".

I love the Warrior. I want him to go on a speaking tour with Monique. They would always smell like flowers and piss off everyone. Then the Warrior would Warrior Splash anyone that got out of control and Monique would let all the males fuck the fat between her arm and side.

I'm not reading enough

55. Norbert Blei "Chi Town"
54. some ghost stories book for 4th graders