Pink Gun made this girl and her roommate cry

I prefer John Lydon the author to Johnny Rotten the front man

I’m in my office at the radio station waiting for my job interview call to come in. I’m sandwiched between my suitcase and a red bucket for kegs. There is nothing I can do that doesn’t make me anxious. I do not know why this is.

For the past month or so I’ve cut of friends. This hasn’t been intentional…I’ll be back.

---

I think it went well. If I get the job I’ll barely be in Chicago. Maybe I need to do this.

I just want to listen to…
Jack White “Never Far Away”
NOFX “You’re Wrong”
Iggy Pop “Tiny Girls”
The Strokes “Ask Me Anything”
Charlie Deets “My Tranquility Has Been Confiscayted”

The list should be longer. I’m not including anything too mainstream or boring out of fear. If everyone can understand it then it’s no good. I’ll never be hip. I’LL NEVER BE HIP. I won’t be able to do as many lines as you’d like me to. I can’t live with that.

I should have stayed with the same girl I was with at 18. Then I could read my books in peace.

I'm glad you're alive

After more than a year and a half of no communication, I found my ex-girlfriend on myspace.

Melina moved to Greece in 2000. I saw her in 2003. I talked to her on the phone in the spring of 2004.

She's fine. Been with the same guy for almost three years. Lives with her grandmother. Still in college. Out of work but had a job for a while.

I used to worry about Melina. I'm not sure why but I felt like a big brother. She's fine. I'm the one that's stuck out here.

WHINE WHINE WHINE!!!

Things could be much worse. At least "Cry-Baby" is on.

I used to want to direct films. I still do. But it seems like a chore to watch a new film on television or DVD. It's too hard to escape my surroundings when starting something new, specifically if I know something about the film.

Oak Park won't be home for much longer and I'm grateful for that. If I get the union organiser position I should be living in Chicago by April. If I don't get the job and I'm still with my mother and not dead, we'll probably be in some other suburb. This is fine by me. It's good that Oak Park is close to everything but I can't stand living in the same room where I first had sex.


After stopping at the camera shop I took a new way back to the apartment. It looked like the photo. Except colder. Everything has that frozen look.

I almost forgot...

7. "Ordinary People" by Judith Guest

It's an American classic by most critic's standards. I do not agree. I'll try to sum it all up: mom is a cunt that needs to hug her child, father is a well-meaning guy that never really had a family so he doesn't want to disappoint the only one he's ever known and the kid is an uptight perfectionist that likes to blame himself over his brother's death. I didn't care about any of the characters and wished they would stop complaining and happily spend their North shore money. Maybe I would have liked the son more if he had decent music taste.

Part 4

Top 10 Music Related Couples and Former Couples I Want To See With A Kid
1. Joel Madden and Hillary Duff
2. Fez and Lindsey Lohan
3. Fez and Mandy Moore
4. Fez and Ashley Simpson
5. Ryan Carababababa and Ashley Simpson
6. Deryck Whibley and Avril Lavigne
7. Deryck Whibley and Paris Hilton
Remember when the two were dating and she appeared in the Me First Gimme Gimme's video for "I Believe I Can Fly"? That was weird. Not as weird as the batshit
crazy guy that wrote "I Believe I Can Fly." That guy fucks kids.
8. Nick Carter and Paris Hilton
Whenever I hear "I beat that bitch with a hit" by Miss Kittin I think of these two.
9. Madonna and Vanilla Ice
Madonna is a fucking stuck up bitch. Why? She’s now religious. She wasn’t religious when she let Vanilla Ice put it in. If you’d like to see Vanilla Ice put it in Madge, check out her book “Sex.” Then tell your gay friends you hate Madonna.
10. Jack White and Meg White
This kid would write great blues songs but won't be able to speak more than thirty words in a day. We'll call him the new Jandek.

Top 10 Bands I Want To See Explode In A Bus Accident and Why
I realize that it's probably insensitive to print this list considering that the drummer from Bayside just died in a car or van or bus accident while on tour. But the band sucked. Fuck that dead drummer. He was 30 anyway. Why the fuck did he make music that sounded like a group of 14-year olds from an affluent suburb?
1. Avenge Sevenfold
untalented assholes
2. The Darkness
cocky assholes
3. Good Charlotte
obvious reasons
4. Yellowcard
fuck that fiddler
5. The Explosion
irony
6. Death Cab For Cutie
irony
7. P.O.D.
God ain't saving anybody
8. Korn
they've had their fun and now they need to die
9. Pussycat Dolls
strip, don't "sing"
10. Bayside
time to finish the job

I am not the DJ, I am not what I play

Just because one thing goes wrong should not turn my night into a downward spiral. I've had over five hours to figure out something to do. Anything to do. But I am doing nothing. I'm fucking around with a toy guitar. I'm trying to get cameras to work again. I'm getting depressed about being in the same room I lived in for two years of high school.




My mother is making a cake or something. There is nothing inherently wrong with her baking on a Saturday night. There is something wrong because I am here, doing nothing while she makes a cake.

I've spent the majority of my day editing my iTunes account. The program is addicting.

Rather than read any of the six books I've already started I decided to start another book. "Rotten" by John Lydon is a good read thus far. Much better than the John McCain autobiography that I am also reading. For some reason I'm more interested in British punks than war heroes. (I decided I will not use spell check on this post. I'm not sure if I've spelled anything incorrectly but I probably have, so now you know why.)

Maybe I can find somewhere to get coffee. For those of you that don't know, not all of cook county is smoke free, at least not yet. If I think of a diner open within 4 blocks from here I'm going. If not, fuck it. I'll watch "The Munsters" or something.

Daniel Knox posted some new recordings on myspace. Though my connection is less than decent I was able to download one. It was very good and I suggest you spend twenty minutes of your next week giving the guy a shot. If you've already tried to like him but can't, well, we're just different people.

...

Head of Femur just came on my playlist. They played Intonation last summer. They stayed at the grounds longer than any other band. The lead singer was with his girlfriend the entire time. I know his girlfriend from DePaul. We've had over 20 conversations in the last four and a half years. I have no idea what her name is. This will bother me until I sleep.

---

Times like this I wish I had a cell phone.

Part 3

Top 10 Nirvana Songs
1. "Serve the Servants" from "In Utero"
When I really got into this song I quit football. When Kurt Cobain really got into this song he killed himself. When Gavin Rossdale really got into this song he hired Steve Albini to produce "Razorblade Suitcase" and proceeded to disappear from music but become a famous husband. I still have a bigger rack than his wife.
2. "You Know You're Right" from "Nirvana"
This song was leaked in the fall of 2002. I put a link to it on my band's web page. I listened to it on repeat for hours at a time. That's a little odd.
3. "Polly" from "Nevermind"
This song appeas on four of the bands albums. If you count the box set, it's on more. Good for them. Revisiting a song about rape and torture has to be good for the soul.
4. "Verse Chorus Verse"
5. "Frances Farmer Will Have Her Revenge on Seattle" from "In Utero"
One of my favorite songs and titles, but not my number one. That goes to "I Hate Myself And Want To Die." His suicide was such a shock. There were absolutely no clues.
6. "Do Re Mi"
The best reason to pick up the bands box set. Falsetto fun!
7. "D7"
8. "School"
On the "From the Muddy Banks of the Wishkah" version it sounds like he sings "You're in med school again!" instead of "You're in high school again!" Did Kurt aspire to be a doctor? Probably not. Did he aspire to blow his head off with a shotgun? Hell yea!
9. "Love Buzz"
10. "Drain You"

Part 2

Top 10 Videos of 2005
1. Jack Johnson "Sitting Wishing Waiting"
The more I listen to this extremely relaxed (high) singer/songwriter, the more I like him. I make no apologies. He makes me smile.
2. The White Stripes "The Denial Twist"
Conan is in this video! He is big and small and square and round! KRAZY!
3. Beck "Girl"
4. Ok Go "A Million Ways"
They made it in their back yard. Good for them.
5. The White Stripes "My Doobell"
6. The Bravery "An Honest Mistake"
7. R. Kelly "Trapped in the Closet"
Fucking crazy. He's so fucking crazy. He fucks kids, sings as a midget and has a director's commentary on his urban opera. He fucks kids. I bet the kids are crazy too. Crazy. Bat shit crazy.
8. System of a Down "Mezmorize"
9. Interpol "Evil"
Puppets. Evil puppets? Get it? Whatever. Carlos D is on a lot of blow.
10. Eels "Going Fetal"
It's got a howling dog, a gravestone and a guy with a beard. It's sorta like heaven.

It has to be here

Issue 19 of Foul was going to consists of music lists. As time passes each list becomes outdated. Therefore, I am going to post most, if not all of that issue, here. So, here is my list of albums released in 2005 that are better than the Foo Fighters "In Your Honor."

Top 73 Albums of 2005 Better Than Foo Fighters "In Your Honor"
1. Sally "The Attrition E.P."
2. Sufjan Stevens "Illinois"
3. Kanye West "Late Registration"
4. Dangerdoom "The Mouse and the Mask"
5. Sage Francis "A Healthy Distrust"
6. Sleater-Kinney "The Woods"
7. The White Stripes "Get Behind Me Satan"
8. Against Me! "Searching for a Former Clarity"
9. Eels "Blinking Lights and Other Revelations"
10. M.I.A. "Arular"
11. Various Artists "Stubbs the Zombie Soundtrack"
12. M83 "Before the Dawn Heals Us"
13. HorrorPops "Bring It On!"
14. New Black "Time Attack"
15. Fionna Apple "Extraordinary Machine"
16. Common "Be"
17. System of a Down "Mezmerize" and "Hypnotize"
18. Jimmy Eat World "Stay On My Side Tonight"
19. The White Stripes "Walking With A Ghost"
20. Gogol Bordello "Gypsy Punks Underdog World Strike"
21. Moby "Hotel"
22. Spoon "Gimme Fiction"
23. Canasta "We Were Set Up"
24. Feist "Let It Die"
25. Andrew Bird "Andrew Bird and the Mysterious Production of Eggs"
26. Queens of the Stone Age "Lullabyes to Paralyze"
27. Flunk "Morning Star"
28. Chad VanGaalen "Infiniheart"
29. Nine Inch Nails "With_Teeth"
30. Coldplay "XY"
31. The Life and Times "Suburban Hymns"
32. Beck "Guero"
33. The Go! Team "Thunder, Lightning, Strike"
34. New Pornographers "Twin Cinema"
35. The Mars Volta "Frances the Mute"
36. Detroit Cobras "Baby"
37. Pelican "The Fire in Our Throats Will Beckon the Thaw"
38. Laura Veirs "Years of Meteors"
39. Annie "Anniemal"
40. Broadcast "Tender Buttons"
41. The Game "The Documentary"
42. Minus the Bear "Menos el Oso"
43. Franz Ferdinand "You Could Have It So Much Better"
44. Isobella "Surrogate Emotions of the Silverscreen"
45. Wilco "Kicking Television: Live In Chicago"
46. Alkaline Trio "Crimson"
47. Coheed and Cambria "LONG TITLE"
48. Stereophonics "Language, Violence, Sex, Other?"
49. High on Fire "Blessed Black Wings"
50. Pennywise "The Fuse"
51. Broken Social Scene "Broken Social Scene"
52. Rogue Wave "Descended Like Vultures"
53. Various Artists "This Bird Has Flown"
54. Low "The Great Destroyer"
55. Bettye LaVette "I've Got My Own Hell to Raise"
56. Blackalicious "The Craft"
57. Neil Diamond "12 Songs"
58. Morcheeba "The Antidote"
59. LCD Soundsystem "LCD Soundsystem"
60. Wolf Parade "Apologies to the Queen Mary"
61. Various Artists "For A Decade of Sin: 11 Years of Bloodshot Records"
62. Billy Corgan "The Future Embrace"
63. Ryan Adams "Cold Roses"
64. Hail Social "Hail Social"
65. Bright Eyes "I'm Wide Awake It's Morning"
66. ...And You Will Know Us by the Trail of Dead "Worlds Apart"
67. Sigur Ros "Takk"
68. The Decembrists "Picaresque"
69. Bloc Party "Silent Alarm"
70. Moon "Flightlogs"
71. Gorillaz "Demon Days"
72. Garbage "Bleed Like Me"
73. Harvey Danger "Little By Little"

What a read!

When I die around the age of thirty I would like every obituary to mention heavy drug use. I don't care if I die from cancer, a car accident or drug use, I just want to make sure everyone thinks they're right when they think I died of drug use.

I was lucky enough to perform on Friday night's Around the Coyote self-publishers event. I disappointed myself. I didn't go in with high expectations, but going third out of thirteen gave me a lot of time to think about what I should have done. Oh well, can't live in the past. Then again, most zines are about the recent past written by people that shouldn't, therefore I am qualified to live in the past.

I read a piece about how I want to have sex with celebrities. My mother got a hold of it as I was leaving. She cried. It was bad. Since I don't think I'll ever put it in The Machine or Foul and I definitly won't try to sell it I might as well post the thing here.

"The Following Words Made My Mother Cry and Blew Any Chance I Had with Tina Fey"
by Brandon Wetherbee

Like most people in their twenties I’ve been thinking a lot about what I want to do for a career. I thought I wanted to be a writer. Put ideas down on paper and get paid for it. It sounded like a good idea. I don’t want to be a writer. In fact, I don’t really want to do anything. Pat O’Brien taught me this. The former host of “Access Hollywood” and current host of “The Insider” taught me a valuable lesson. Everyone wants to do nothing. Win the lottery and fuck celebrities. Just like Pat O’Brien, every non-retard just wants to do a lot of blow and “get crazy with you (you being a celebrity) and some hooker.”

Any human being that is worth anything does not want to work. People that get degrees in business just want to make enough money to be in a certain social standing, a social standing that will allow them to meet celebrities that they will have the opportunity to fuck.

No one really aspires to be a construction worker, police officer or soldier. I’m not saying that people that are construction workers, police officers or soldiers don’t like their work. I’m saying that those people do their work because it’s the opportunity that presented itself. Unless they’re unstable, no one would willingly want to shoot at brown people. How do I know this? Ask any blue collar worker if they would rather do their job or fuck someone that starred in a late-night Showtime movie and anyone would half a libido would choose to risk an STD over an honest days work.

Religious people also want to fuck celebrities. They become priests, nuns and other celibate figureheads because they don’t think they have a shot with celebrities on earth. But they do believe in heaven and it’s a good bet that their vision of heaven includes orgasms every 10-minutes with some famous saint or child actor.

Pat O’Brien and I have nothing against loving relationships. We’ve both had our share of long-term commitments to individuals we loved. But that kind of relationship has too many demands. Honesty, loyalty, openness. It’s all too much. Purely sexual relationships with starlets do not require much work. If you have enough cocaine and information that could destroy someone, you can fill their holes with your caulking gun for years to come.

Like Pat O’Brien, I’ve been drinking a lot. Unlike the guy with the moustache, I have yet to go on “Dr.Phil” to discuss my problem. I understand that it’s not really a problem, especially when compared to people killing others over a cartoon. I understand that I’m not a unique voice. At one point in time I attached myself to causes and hung out with people that read CrimeThink books. It was a good time but it wasn’t really me. I don’t care about migrant workers rights. I don’t care about voter fraud. I don’t care about most of the causes my friends and enemies protest about. I only care about getting drunk enough so whoever I happen to fuck looks like Lindsey Lohan, Rachel Weisz, Kelly Clarkson and/or Tina Fey.

When I begin my quest to infiltrate Hollywood I’ll be able to drink every night for free. No one in Hollywood pays for drinks. It’s the law. I might also have a chance of actually meeting something (I refer to the celebrities as things, not as people for a reason, don’t ruin the illusion) I’ve fantasized about.

I want to get Kelly Osbourne pregnant and force her into marriage. I would be married into the Osbourne’s and have a say in how Ozzy’s catalogue would be licensed.

I want to expose Lindsey Lohan as a cokehead. Maybe this admission will force her into eating again and she’ll regain her once decent breasts.

I want to have one-night stands with every rising female star in Hollywood. I want to make them realize how shallow their lives are and commit mass suicide. Why? It’ll make people in third world countries feel better about themselves. Maybe I do care about causes after all.

Please don’t ask what I’ll do once I no longer am able to have sex for celebrities. If you ask me this question you are dumb. I will do what every washed up hanger on and write tell-all books. I’ll guest star in Lifetime movies. I’ll tell young females from the Midwest that I’m a producer. In other words, I’ll always have sex with celebrities, I’m white, I’m the devil.

I’m a horrible, horrible human being. I know this. There is no but. There is absolutely no reason why anyone should even look at my in the eye. I’m fine with that. I’m white. I’m a male. I’m somewhat educated. No matter what you think of me, I still have a chance. Those with vaginas and non-Caucasian skin are screwed. They may want to fuck every celebrity featured on E!, but I’m the only one that has a shot. Unless you’re an African-American male. I know a lot of females that only fuck black guys because they hate daddy. I’m sure it’s no different for the famous.

Halsted

6. "Dolly: My Life and Other Unfinished Business" by Dolly Parton
5. "A Confederacy of Dunces" by John Kennedy Toole

The site is mostly done. I finished two books. I'm DJing tonight. Blah. Sorry it's not better.

I've watched too much Martha Stewart (sp?)

It seems to be getting more and more depressing. Things that should take a week are going on a month. People that said they'd do something are just disappearing. Oh well.

The next few days look to be somewhat interesting. I do my radio show tomorrow night. Eric, Kelsey and I DJ for the first time at Town Hall Pub on Thursday night. Friday night is the Around the Coyote festival (I'll be reading about the desire to fuck celebrities). Saturday is Underground Lounge. Busy kids are happy kids.

Progress

The MP3 page on the new site is done and looks much better. So does the internship page, the about section and the main page. Should be up soon.

DJ tonight. Killing self.