Column 5 "Tooth Fairy"

1. What life decisions did I botch to end up here? It's 7:40am and I'm one of thirty or so other adults waiting to be seen by a UIC Dental School student. My tooth is bleeding and pulsing and bulging out of my mouth. Did I floss enough? Rinse with Listerine too often? Too much sugar? Too many cigarettes? Tons of processed food? Probably all of the above. Buy why here? There are other dentists, other options, ones that don't herd the masses outside of school buildings. We don't have insurance. All creeds, colors and sexes are here because we were hoping we'd die before we would need to see a dentist.

Now I understand why my mother told me to make a lot of money.

2. The parade of students has begun. They're my age but not my peers. They made the right decision. I don't really believe this. I'm beating myself up because I'm in pain and hungry. I've eaten an average of 800 calories a day the last week. I'm not losing weight because I'm drinking 2,000 calories a day.

It's the wait that kills me. Show up before 7am to wait outside the building. Sign the sheet at 7 and wait til 8 to see if you'll be seen. Wait an hour to fill out paperwork. You might wait until 5:30pm to be seen. Don't complain. You're 'saving' money.

If I've already gone down this path I might as well embrace it. I'm going straight to the grocery store and buying blond hair dye, baby food, Similac, Slim Fast, microwavable burritos, hot sauce and clearance shelf condoms. A steady diet of psychedelic drugs should help. I could fill this hole with pudding. Banana flavored generic pudding in a yellow box. I'll used condensed milk and powdered milk because it'll stay forever. It'll never go bad. The pudding in the hole will never go bad.

3. Waiting room two is humid. "Jesus loves you and so do I." The ceiling has been vibrating lowly, consistently. The consequences of recreational drug use is in every corner. Diabetes has reared its ugly head. Look to your right, why it's a small child, no more than four years old, and he's holding a bag of Cheetos! It's adorable! Just precious! Why the baby looks thirsty? Why, it is thirsty! Don't worry, momma is here! And shes' got a great ol big bottle of generic cola to wash it all down!

4. This hole should have been dealt with years ago. Literally, it should have been taken care of five years ago. Even that would have been too late. The pliers didn't work. Let me explain, I used pliers to pull out my tooth but it didn't work. The tooth was chipped a little, but I couldn't establish a good grip. I put on gloves to get a better grip, but well, Jesus didn't want this tooth to come out. Oh, Jesus!

Jesus is everywhere in this place. No, there aren't any crucifixes or statues or religious staff, but there are a lot of prayers and big ups to everyone's personal lord and savior. Though I'm wearing headphones and trying my damnedest to drown out the drilling and cell phone use and soap operas, I can still hear prayers. Prayers of thanks mostly. Maybe that's what I need, a chance to say thanks for a hole in my tooth.

5. I will be worked on. This will be taken care of. This shouldn't cost that much money. I should be able to pay rent on time. Thanks, Jesus! You're so crazy!

6. My silence has brought me better service. Other patients have complained. Complaining doesn't work without money or consequence. "I'm next! I was here first!" Everyone knows you were here first, you informed everyone that you were here first. But you also informed all of the staff that you were here first and have angered everyone on staff. No one wants your teeth to be fixed because we're hoping you will die soon. It seems possible.

7. The shots didn't take. It took four extra attempts to numb my mouth. They wanted to make sure I felt no pain. The joy of dental school dentistry is the extra sets of eyes staring in your mouth, mentioning what the student that is in your mouth is doing wrong. Fuck it, I pay for one set of drugs. If they mess up, I get messed up.

The tools being used are sending shivers though my bones. Literally. For almost an hour I've been shaking on odd places without warning.

8. The drugs will wear off four hours after the procedure. I will drool for the next two hours. I lied and said I had a car waiting for me. I have a bus ride waiting for me. I wouldn't mind drooling all over the Ashland bus. I probably won't be the only one.