Why take on a Boston accent?

32. "The Lady From Shanghai"
I've spent more time reading about the film, Rita Hayworth and Orson Welles than it took to watch the film. Welles made the film in order to fund a play. This shows.

It's hard to not like this film. Rita Hayworth is easy on the eyes and now I have a new found respect for the White Stripes' "Get Behind Me Satan." Orson Welles is a larger than life character that was probably born an imposing figure. But it's hard to understand a film that doesn't care about making sense.

"The Lady From Shanghai" seems like a great experiment. The final scene is legendary for a good reason. But if you never see the film, you're not losing out.

Redbox

31. "Hot Rod"
Damn, Andy. Yes, Queens of the Stone Age does have a cameo, but I don't think it's them playing the 80s power ballad.

It was hard to stay awake. The film is under 90 minutes and I almost fell asleep three times.

I enjoy Bill Hader and he had a few good lines, but, well, I don't know. I don't know.

Not the one with Adam Sandler

30. "There Will Be Blood"
I understand why this is supposed to be a great film. The cinematography is beautiful. The dialogue is sparse yet poignant. The score is inventive and out of place in a good way. Daniel Day Lewis loses himself in the role of Daniel Plainview.

Something didn't add up.

I did not enjoy this film. There was nothing to enjoy. It seems like Paul Thomas Anderson made a film for people to call great, not to enjoy or learn anything. For example, I've never had a desire to see people getting slaughtered yet I learned something from "Schindler's List." I learned nothing from "Superbad," but I enjoyed it. While I wasn't expecting either type of film, I would have liked a coherent story with semi-believable characters.

Chimp blood

29. "MXP: Most Xtreme Primate"
We all lose.

Nothing decent is on television on Sunday afternoons. It's one of the reasons people believe in God. Limited choices.

This thing makes me question my belief in evolution, common decency, the use of racial stereotypes and the right to bear arms. I did not enjoy one moment of this thing, yet I did nothing to change the channel. Sure, I was folding laundry, washing dishes and picking up trash, but that's no excuse. I have a soul and this was tearing it apart.

Why would a monkey snowboard? Why would a sombrero mean someone is from Mexico? Why would an Italian man get his own table with a bottle of red wine and a bread basket at a snowboarding event featuring a team of 10-year old competitors? Why would a snowboard race be in teams of two? Why would a band, Dynamite Boy, license it's songs for this thing?

Who would show this to their children? Who would let their child watch this after reading the back of the DVD? This thing should be used for birth control. If you laugh at multiple sight gags, you're baby makers are permanently removed. If you chuckle multiple times, you get a 10-year shot preventing your seed being spread. If you chuckle once, one year. If you stare at the screen with dead eyes and think about suicide, 6 months. If you turn the thing off and read a book, please, go ahead and breed.

I may be a masochist.

Bloody chimp

11. "Darkly Dreaming Dexter"
I got the version with this cover. I don't like walking around with books with the film or television cast on the cover. It feels weird.

"Darkly Dreaming Dexter" is the first novel in the trilogy (thus far) by Jeff Lindsay. Dexter is a blood analyst for the Miami police department. He has a "Dark Passenger" that tells him to kill. He doesn't like blood. Doesn't feel. Doesn't understand emotions. Doesn't like to stick out. Only kills those who have it coming. I've ruined nothing. All of this information could be found on promotional photos of the Showtime series.

It's difficult to write about a book that has been turned into film or television. It seems like the only things worth mentioning are the casting decisions and instances where to two diverge. If you haven't seen the show none of this would matter.

Linday's first-person narrative allows Dexter to be light hearted, at least for a serial killer. By the end of the 304 pages you're rooting for Dexter to do, well, I'm not sure what.

---

"MXP: Most Extreme Primate" is a racist film.

Really?

28. "Once"
It was O.K.

"Once" is about an Irish singer-songwriter that plays songs about his ex-girlfriend and meets a woman from Russia and she likes his songs and he wants to sleep with her because he's lonely and she likes playing piano and tells him to go to the ex in London so he decides to record some songs and does and the songs are good and the end.

The songs are O.K. I did enjoy the part when the piano player tells the guitar player that her song isn't done and don't judge it and blah blah blah and he says, "Just play it." That is realistic.

Eh.

The story behind the film is much more interesting than the film.

At least she had the ambition

10. "Waking Up in Chicago"
This is part travel book, part musical history. It doesn't do either very well. Chicago is too large in size and stature for such a short work.

Claire Hughes is a London based music writer. She moved to Wicker Park for a summer to write this book. A novel idea. I'd like to move to London to write a book about that music scene and history. I won't because it's absurd to think that anyone could take on such a task and do a decent job, at least with such a low word count.

The book isn't a total wash. I did learn some basic history of house music and get an outsiders perspective of the avant-garde jazz scene. If Ms. Hughes stuck to the facts and cut down on pages of prose on the gorgeous lake, homeless and wise fountain watchers and the beauty of music, I might have enjoyed more.

Ash does rule

9. "If Chins Could Kill: Confessions of a B Movie Actor"
The students were doing their assignments and I was wandering around the library. I picked up Mr. Campbell's first book. I took it home and just finished the wonderful memoir.

Sure, I've seen the "Evil Dead" trilogy and have always enjoyed Bruce Campbell's presence in television and film, but I wouldn't consider myself a big fan. I knew about the book since it came out in 2002 and that's about it. I figured I would get around to it sooner or later and well, now is the time.

Bruce Campbell's book works well because he gives his positive, honest (at least it seems honest) and unique perspective on events ranging from building a tree house to making super 8 films with his "boys" to directing the final "Hercules" episode. What really made me enjoy the book is the author's outlook on success. Sure, he's not an A-list actor, but he enjoys his life. He gets to travel around the world, lands a critically acclaimed role every once in a while, enjoys his two kids and wife and, to the delight of you and I, kill the dead with a chainsaw.

He sure doesn't trust women

8. "Past All Dishonor"
This wonderful read is longer than "The Postman Always Rings Twice" but goes by just as quickly. The 1946 novel is another piece of hard boiled fiction from James M. Cain. A young Confederate supporter goes to California, falls in love, sells out everything he believes in for the woman, ends up losing it all. It's not so much what happens as the way Cain tells it. Like his other works, the main character is believable and the setting, during the Civil War, surprisingly doesn't distract from the work.

Local boy

27. "H.H. Holmes: America's First Serial Killer"
This film is awful and there’s really no one to blame.

H.H. Holmes is America’s first serial killer. He built his ‘murder castle’ in Chicago. Many visitors to the 1893 World’s Fair stayed at his home and never came out. Interesting stuff. The problem is that there is no footage of the killer (there are two photographs used throughout the documentary), the house was burned long ago (and is now a post office) and all of the victim’s families are dead. In other words, there isn’t a lot to work with. Nonetheless, this short documentary is still worth watching because of the subject matter.

Does anyone like reenactments? Have they ever helped the story? Maybe “America’s Most Wanted.” Other than one television show about people that are still alive, reenactments should be done only in a court of law.

Baseball might be shrinking my noggin

7. "Three Nights in August"
This book was recommended to me by a college baseball coach. He said it's the only book about baseball he enjoyed. I enjoyed it quite a bit myself.

The Buzz Bissinger book does a good job marrying the belief that baseball is all heart and that baseball is all statistics. Reading "Moneyball" a month ago made this book even more compelling. Bissinger does an excellent job drawing in the reader and makes LaRussa's life seem one dimensional in a way that's good for the game. It didn't hurt that I'm a Cubs fan and reading about Prior and Wood in 2003 puts what has happened into perspective.

The cat is drinking the water in the juice glass

Since the 52 books goal isn't going so well and since I'm watching "Maury" before work, I've decided to set another goal dealing with literature. In addition to reading 52 books this year, I will also read all of the Pulitzer Prize for Fiction books in the next three years. I've already read "A Confederacy of Dunces" and "The Old Man and the Sea" so knocking out the other 51 (I think there are 51 others) shouldn't be that difficult.

The following goal will be slightly harder. Once the Pulitzer list is done, I will attempt to read at least one major work from each author awarded the Nobel Prize in Literature. I will not read the text in the work's original language, the work has to be in English. Other than that, it's all fair game. Since the Nobel Prize goes back 47 years before the Pulitzer, I'm going to give this goal three years.

So, there you have it. This is what I'll be doing in my free time for the next five years.

Hooray sick day

26. "Confessions of a Superhero"
Hooray Netflix!

Since Netflix switched to unlimited viewing hours I've been watching a lot of documentaries. Since I'm still on the couch, why not view yet another film set in Los Angeles?

"Confessions of a Superhero" is the type of film I wouldn't have seen if not for Netflix. It's about the people that dress us as superheros in front of Mann's Chinese Theatre. It follows Superman, Batman, Wonder Woman and The Incredible Hulk. The film is engrossing and like most good documentaries, you want to find out what each hero is doing now. Each person could be laughed at or sympathized with or dismissed for being crazy. Please don't dismiss.

I should crack a book

25. "Sunset Blvd."
According to the American Film Institute, this is the 12th best American film of all time. Therefore, there really isn't much I could say. If anyone has any desire to learn about the film, all they have to do is Google the film title and could read for weeks.

I do not think it belongs at 12. Maybe I would have liked it more if I wasn't sick.

24. "Two Days in April"
A manly documentary.

Four college football players signed by the IMG sports agency are brought to camps and games and other hob nob sessions to better their chances in the 2006 NFL Draft. We watch the players bitch about their performance, praise god, take free stuff because it's free and eat a ton of fried foods on draft day. We get to see the prospects not get selected in the first or second round. Three of the four go in the third round, a disappointment because at one point all three were projected to go in the first and make almost double the money. The last player, the one I liked the most, does not get drafted. We learn in the post script that he was invited to the New York Jets to try out. He does not make the cut. The other three signed 4 year contracts for 2.3 million dollars.

The film is good. You get a glimpse on what it seems to be like for draft prospectives. After watching this film, my only thought was why would anyone want to play professional football? It really is a meat market. Give me baseball. Give me David Wells.


23. "Kinsey"
If I was 55 instead of 25 I would have enjoyed this film more. It's difficult to understand the controversy over Kinsey's study of human sexual behavior. Maybe if I didn't live in a city and didn't go to college and was raised religious. Then again, if I didn't live in a city, didn't go to college and was raised religious, I probably wouldn't have seen "Kinsey."

Liam Neeson does a great job in the role of Alfred Kinsey. Laura Linney goes a great job in the role of Clara McMillen, the wife of Kinsey. (The last sentence could have been omitted. Has Laura Linney ever not done a great job in any role?)

The film covers Kinsey from 25 to 60. We learn that he loves insects and can't really relate to anyone on a human level. He collects gall wasps. Once he collects one million samples. Up until this point, it is Kinsey's greatest accomplishment. The Indiana University professor has a visit from newlyweds. They want to know why the new bride is so "frigid." Kinsey doesn't know exactly what to tell them. There was no compatant literature or any scientific date on human sexuality. Kinsey decides to collect the data and write the literature. For the rest of his life, he interviews people about their sexual histories, sleeps with his wife and others because he wants to, tells his wife who he sleeps with because he doesn't want to keep any secrets, films his staff and self having sex with each other, releases books that cause a ruckus and doesn't back down from his scientific research.

"Kinsey" could have been 10 hours and still left a lot out. His relationship with his children is only glossed over. The final days of Kinsey are never revealed. His childhood, what made him become so detached, could be it's own film.


22. "Miracle"
I get trapped by the ABC Saturday night movie. It's why I saw half of "Cast Away" and "The Terminal." Since I caught "Miracle" from the beginning I figured, what the hell, I might as well feel good with a feel good movie.

Did you know that the 1980 US Hockey team defeated communism? Well, they did. Do you believe in miracles?

Kurt Russell is always fun to watch. His role as Coach Herb Brooks was well executed. All of the US players fit in all the stereotypes I expected from college aged hockey players. The hair was spot on. Hair in hockey is very important.

"Miracle" is exactly what you expect it to be. Everyone feels good at the end. The players become a family. Everyone learns something. This film was made so gym teachers have something to show in class on mornings after benders.

Hooray things!

I saw a classic film and read a popular novel and my faith in film and literature is higher than ever.


21. "Freaks"
Why did I wait so long to watch the entire film? It was part of the curriculum in a film 101 class my freshman year of college but we only examined a small portion. I'm kicking myself for not sitting through the entire 62 minute film.

The story behind the film is just as interesting as the film. Director Tod Browning's career tanked after this film. Most of the actors in the film were ashamed of the product. The studio distanced itself for years. It was banned in the United Kingdom for 30 years.

The story of the film is pretty simple. The "freaks" are honorable and trustworthy and good natured. The strong man and pretty lady (I'm not sure what role she played in the circus other than being pretty), the non "freaks" are assholes. Everyone gets what they have coming in the end. Simple and great.


6. "The Curious Incident of the Dog in the Night-time"
Most people that read regularly know or at least recognize this book. I was lucky to not know much about it, other than it sold a lot of copies, before I read page 1. Rather than spoil any interest, I'll avoid any description of the text (not that it would matter much, this thing has devolved into "I like this, etc." and "I hate this other thing, etc.").

The library in the school I work at has a lot of books it needs to inventory. This is one of them. The librarian invited me to read any of these books and to give him a basic description. I gladly said sure. I borrowed this book on Friday. I began it on the bus ride home. I picked it up again Saturday at work and ignored the clientele of the bar in order to finish it.

Hot Dog

Some of the lyrics for the theme to "The Patty Duke Show"

Our Patty loves to rock and roll,
A hot dog makes her lose control


20. "Trailer Park Boys: The Movie"
"Trailer Park Boys" is a television show based in Canada. I caught some episodes of it while in Amsterdam. I enjoyed the show quite a bit. The show airs on BBC America but I don't have BBC America so the film will have to do.

It's funny and I laughed a lot.

"The New York Times" reviewer gave it one star. I like it even more.


19. "Sweeney Todd: The Demon Barber of Fleet Street"
Kelsey didn't like that Mr. Burton left out the chorus piece. She also thought his common-law wife or whatever wasn't that good. She also thought Mr. Depp was ideal for the role, that no other actor could have done as good as job.

I didn't care that the chorus was left out. I thought Helena Bonham Carter was good. I thought Colin Farrel and Robert Carlyle could have been a good Sweeney Todd.

The movie is worth seeing but not nearly as great as the press makes it out to be. Maybe I'm just bored of Tim Burton.


18. "The Squid and the Whale"
I did not like this film. The story is weak. The performances are excellent, specifically William Baldwin. It's a waste of talent.

Why do people like this film? Is it because Wes Anderson produced it? Is it the indie rock poster? Fuck it. I want a hot dog and a story that doesn't involve a drunk 10 year old and a teenager based on Woody Allen.

Sitting

17. “The Education of Shelby Knox”
Yet another Netflix inspired viewing. I seem to enjoy documentaries after 2am.

This film reminds me of why I started a zine. Beliefs held at 16 and 17 are seem obvious then and 10 years later, they still seem obvious. Of coarse sex ed is a good idea, only morons would object. Of coarse GLBTQ groups should exist in every school, only people insecure about their own sexuality would object. Of coarse the people that protest outside of gay and lesbian funerals should be dismissed, only dumb Texans would listen (I realize that I shouldn’t call Texans dumb, but come on, this shit is absurd).

The documentary is good and heartbreaking and follows a lot of stereotypes but the filmmakers don’t try to use them (For example, Shelby’s parents are Republicans but support their daughter and her causes and say wonderful things about acceptance and education and more, but for most of the film and on the film poster, Mr. Knox is wearing an American flag polo shirt).

This film made me want to listen to Bad Religion and “try to make a difference” like I did at 17.


16. “Eels with Strings: Live at Town Hall”
I’ll count this one because it has an IMDB page.

I listen to the Eels more than any other band. I put off buying or renting this film because I own the soundtrack and figured that was enough. I was kind of right. The feature does have some behind the scenes stuff for the string tour and the segments with just E are quite pleasant. I probably won’t watch this again but I did have a few songs from “Blinking Lights” in my head for a few days.

The older I get the more I understand the appeal of Mr. Allen

15. "Mighty Aphrodite"
I probably wouldn't have enjoyed this film as much if I saw it when it was released, when I was 12. There's a good chance I would have been let down that there were no breast shots in a movie with a prostitute as a main character.

I don't care that Woody Allen makes a lot of the same films. They're good films with great dialogue. I should care about the guys personal life, considering he bases his work on his personal life and his personal life includes marrying his adopted daughter. I should really care about this fact considering Woody's character has an adopted son in this film. Whatever. "Mighty Aphrodite" is a great film.

Got ho's in every area code

6. Daniel Kalder "Lost Cosmonaut"
I picked up this travel based memoir at the 2007 Reader Book Swap. I started the book in the spring of 2007. It didn't do much for me.

Last week I ran out of books I brought to my mother's. I tried again with "Lost Cosmonaut." This time I was in the right state of mind.

Mr. Kalder's first book is not upbeat. It's not negative per se, but don't expect many fun tales from wacky locales. The author visits four Russian republics, four grey places where nothing much happens and no one escapes. Sounds boring. It's not. Each section is better than the last and by the time you read "My travels were finished." you wish they weren't.

Coffeemaker

14. "The Ten"
I started watching this movie at 3am on Monday morning. It's now almost 3am on Tuesday morning. I bought a new coffeemaker and wanted to have a cup and now I'm up at 3am on Tuesday morning. It's snowing and the living room looks barren without the Christmas tree.

How did David Wain get this cast?

"The Ten" is about the Ten Commandments. Paul Rudd kind of introduces each of the commandments and the whole thing ends in a big song. It's fun. I didn't laugh out loud but I did like at least one part in each segment. The comedy is absurd, similar to "Stella" and "Wet Hot American Summer," for obvious reasons.

I am wide awake at 3am.

Thanks, DVDPlay

11. "I Think I Love My Wife"
This film is funny on paper. Louis CK and Chris Rock interpreting a French film. A recipe for success. It's not a recipe of success.

Mr. Rock has yet to make a great film. His stand-up remains great. Why can't he do both? Is it his fault? Can he act?

The beginning, middle and end of this film is predictable but easy to watch. I wouldn't seek it out again but I wouldn't turn it off at 3am.


12. "Loan Shark"
Just because a film is old doesn't make it a classic. Such is the case for "Loan Shark."

The 1952 film is about a man released from prison because he fought. Well, people fight all the time and don't go to prison, so what's up with this guy? He was a boxer and therefore, his fists are considered deadly weapons. Once out of the joint, he's offered a job at his brother-in-law tire factory. The head honcho wants the guy with the deadly fists to find out where all his employees money is going, in other words, he wants him to find out the loan shark. He refuses. His brother-in-law is killed, the dude works for the tire plant, ladies love the dude, he has a violent streak, blah blah blah.

The acting is mediocre, the story is weak and the cinematography suffers from time.

I watched this film because Netflix took off hour restrictions because Apple is now letting you download films or something. I finished this film at 5am.


13. "Ratatouille"
It's odd to hear Patton Oswalt in a Disney film. I kept wanting the rat to break into one of his bits, specifically the one about KFC's Famous Bowl.

Like all Pixar films, "Ratatouille" looks beautiful, is suitable for a 5-year old and a 35-year old, has a simple story that almost makes perfect sense (When did the two chef's fall in love?) and leaves your heart filled with rainbows and lollipops. It was good, but not great and I'm not sure why. I felt the same way about "The Simpson's Movie." Maybe it's because the jokes can't be current or the appeal has to span generations. Whatever. See the film. It'll make you smile.

This makes me smile a little more.


Mr. Oswalt reviewed the bowl for "The Onion." Read it here.

The hamburger phone was a gag used to make her seem hip, but it really shows how the cool care too much

10. "Juno"
I heard too much about this film before I saw it. I heard that it's great. I heard that I'd love it. I'd heard that the dialogue is quick and witty. I heard that the soundtrack was great. I heard that everyone that saw it liked it, regardless if they were 40 or 14. On Sunday I read the first piece of criticism that didn't like the film at all. Jim DeRogatis wrote the piece and it was on the cover of the Showtime section of the Chicago Sun-Times. You can read it here.

I tend to agree with the article.

DeRo's piece, well at least the reason for the piece, is to review the soundtrack. He gives it one out of four stars, not because the music is bad, but because it's unrealistic. Kimya Dawson of The Moldy Peaches appear more than any other artist. She's 35. The liner notes, according to DeRo, quotes director Reitman saying, "a patchwork of homemade sounds made by teenagers whose sense of humor and honesty rang through the crappy tape recorder they were using to capture their chicken-scratch lyrics." That's total bullshit. Most teenage groups, at least all the one's I've heard, sound like shit and only their friends like them. And that's just fine. Teenagers that I work with, specifically the ones that are juniors like Juno, like what's popular on the radio, their friends bands and bands they've seen open for bigger bands at shows. Few have heard of Kimya Dawson and none of them sing her songs with their boyfriend or girlfriend on their front steps.

The film's voice isn't wholly original. Write Diablo Cody gives Juno almost all the good lines, but she doesn't seem that realistic. I get that she's a clever little S.O.B., but she really only shows emotions in three scenes. Ellen Page plays a 16 year old. Female. That's pregnant. A more realistic portrayal would have her all over the map in most it not all scenes. The supporting cast also seem to be too cool for their own good, everyone except adopted mother Jennifer Garner.

"Juno" never had a chance with me and that really sucks. Maybe it's because I'm too old. Maybe it's because I work with teenagers and pregnancy isn't funny, at least where I work. Maybe it's because I'm tired of 'cool' characters. I really don't know what it is.

Pimp

9. "Katt Williams: American Hustle"
The sequel to "Pimp Chronicles" does not live up to the original. In any way. Da Brat wasn't needed. Or Snoop. Or Jeremy Piven. Or Ludacris.

"It's your mother-fucking self-esteem!"

I am not an athlete

3. Michael Lewis "Moneyball: The Art of Winning an Unfair Game"
Thanks, Phil, I enjoyed the book. I had no idea about the phenomenon and I feel like I've been told an obvious secret.


4. Kevin Kaduk "Wrigleyworld : A Season in Baseball's Best Neighborhood"
I ordered this book on Amazon because it available for one cent and I've been buying most books about Chicago and especially books about the Chicago Cubs. Since the weather is so horrible I think I've been trying to escape to Wrigley Field.

I am not like Kevin Kaduk. The author is the typical mid-twenties Cubs fan, which isn't all that bad. He's the frat member that probably wouldn't try to fuck your female friends after a few cocktails. His view of Wrigley Field and Lakeview in general is one of the reasons why I don't live there anymore. He enjoys the Cubs, a great thing, but he mentions the eye candy, neighborhood bars and drinking on Addison and Southport as much as he talks about the team. If you're able to get past this stuff, which isn't that hard, the book is an enjoyable read, especially the ways he obtains tickets.

All in all, if you're willing to get past the envy, the book is pretty good.


5. Jeannie Morris "Brian Piccolo: A Short Season"
I couldn't sleep last night. I loathe the unincorporated town in which my mother resides. Regardless of how tired I am, it takes hours to fall asleep. I tried at 2am. No luck. I started to read this book a half an hour later. I finished it that night.

It's difficult to get a grasp on Brian Piccolo's life from this book, written nearly 40 years ago. The author, a friend of the late running back's widow, portrays Piccolo as a caring and hopeful smartass. Time hasn't been kind to some of the homophobic and racist comments, but it seems they were all in jest. In fact, this little tidbit kind of sums up the whole thing. The story is more well known than Piccolo's athletic career, family life and his actual self and the book doesn't do much to offer much more insight into the man, other than he had a good sense of humor.

Piccolo died much to young at 26, but "Brian's Song" does a much better job at making the man seem, well, like a man.

Pie

8. "Waitress"
This film is nearly perfect. The back story makes the film even more poignant.

Secret Asian Man

7. "Casino Royale"
So James Bond used to be a dick?

The 21st Bond film is based on the first Bond novel, so the filmmakers decided to reinvent the character. This means that he doesn't care if his martini's are shaken or stirred and he likes to kill a lot more ruthlessly. He also fell in love. Then he got his heart broke. Now he's a mother fucker.

The film is alright, but not as good as reviews made it seem. The dialogue isn't that great, the situations are still unbelievable and the new Bond doesn't ooze sex. But it's still worth watching.

---

There's a gym in Humboldt Park run by the city. Kelsey and I visited yesterday. I like the gym. It reminds me of a gym that Rocky would use. I will now be able to crush Russia.

Patriotic

2. Stephen Colbert "I Am America (And So Can You!)
Of coarse I enjoyed this book. I can read and understand words at at least a high school level. I also don't want to shoot at any brown or other non-white people, so of coarse I enjoyed the book.

It's better than "America," the book released by "The Daily Show" a few years ago. Colbert's character Colbert reads just as well as he is on screen. As an odd bonus, the book seemed even better due to the writer's strike.

I read the book peace meal since it was released. I don't think it was harmed by the odd schedule. Then again, it's a fucking book and the words aren't going to change over time, so I think I was fine all along.

It's getting better

5. "The Hoax"
The movie made me want to read the book. Not the book that the movie is based on, but the book in the movie.

In the early 1970s Clifford Irving told his publisher that he was writing the autobiography of Howard Hughes. He wrote the book. It wasn't an autobiography. Hughes made his last public appearance by phoning the press to reveal that he had never heard of Mr. Irving. "The Autobiography of Howard Hughes" was pulped. That's the book I want to read.

And now I can!

Mr. Irving runs his own site. You can download "The Autobiography" for a $5.95 donation to Irving's publisher. Or you can just click on the link and read it for free. Whatever. The book technically belongs to the original publisher, at least that's what the film made it seem like, so I'm not sure why you should donate to Irving's publisher.


6. "Shoot 'Em Up"
My main job doesn't begin until Monday and I'm still a little under the weather. So fuck it, I'm watching a lot of movies. I got "Shoot 'Em Up" because I figured Kelsey wouldn't want to watch such a dude film. Also, I didn't want to watch "Waitress" alone at 3 in the afternoon. It just felt sad.

"Shoot 'Em Up" is the highlight thus far. I think I'd watch Clive Owen on a cooking show. The film makes little to no sense but it doesn't matter. It's highly entertaining and kinda has an anti-gun message.

I've done nothing this week.

Eh

Mike and I were in Cleveland last weekend to play some shows. We played the shows. There wasn't much else to do. We took a MegaBus from Chicago. It cost $4.50 round trip for both of us. I got sick on Saturday. Anyways, the bus back was late on Sunday so Mike and I saw a few movies.


1. "Walk Hard: The Dewey Cox Story"
The shitty movie theater in shitty downtown Cleveland had this and a few other flicks. Mike and I chose this. It was OK. I was kinda let down. Considering that I enjoyed "Superbad" quite a bit and thought Reilly was the best part of "Talladega Nights" I figured that "Walk Hard" would be just as good. It wasn't. It wasn't bad either, just not great. Whatever. It killed some time.

The theater had some of the laxest security I've ever seen. It also had "Alvin."


2. "Alvin and the Chipmunks"
Not so bad. Really. The story was extremely weak, the acting was over the top and the product placement was blatant, but fuck it, it's a kid's movie and it made me smile. I also enjoyed the dialogue.

Some evil guy played by David Cross: "Alvin! Stop it!"
Alvin: "Stop what? Being awesome?"

That made me laugh out loud and cough a lot. My laughing made Mike wake up.

"Alvin and the Chipmunks" was in the same vein as the "Josie and the Pussycats" film released a few years ago. The villains were both portrayed by indie approved actor/comedians (Parker Posey and David Cross) and both films lambasted the industry they needed and both films featured songs sung in a high pitch.


3. "Breach"
The MegaBus driver was an asshole. He wouldn't let us board even after a woman from customer service demanded him. After shaking his head for a few more minutes, he finally waved us on. Throughout the trip he would make jokes, like, "This bus no go to Chicago, we go back to Cleveland." The broken English didn't add to his comic genius. The driver put on "Breach" a few hours into the trip. Before starting the film, he said "Everybody who watch the movie pay $200." Then he restarted the previews.

"Breach" is the type of film I never desire to see. Like "The Insider" and other films that expose harsh realities set a few years ago, "Breach" is an excellent film that makes you think and blah blah blah. Each actor is great at their craft and the story has no holes. But it's boring. It doesn't take you out of own reality (what odd wording) and doesn't make you think either.


4. "The Brothers Solomon"
I'm still sick. Kelsey and I went to Dominick's the other night to get something from DVDPlay. They had this. This had G.O.B. It wasn't good.

From the writer of the movie with the pregnant and witty teenager

1. Diablo Cody "Candy Girl : A Year in the Life of an Unlikely Stripper"

The "Juno" screenwriters first book, "Candy Girl" is a quick, kinda pleasing read. Fans of Chuck Klosterman will enjoy it. A lot of pop culture references. Not much else to say.

I finished the book around 4am. It was too late to get out of bed and do anything else but my mind wasn't detached enough. I forgot that feeling. I had it most of 2006, the last time I did this wacky experiment. While my mind feels more stimulated, I feel hard-pressed to do more writing, recording, etc. After 20 minutes of thinking about what I should be doing, I devolve into the why, which is always a waste of time.

Argo Tea on a Friday Afternoon

With each passing day free Internet seems to be easier to find. All Chicago libraries have free Internet. Most coffee shops, at least the independent ones, no longer charge for a connection. Even a few of the bigger chains, such as Argo Tea, let you slow down everyone's speed gratis. Regardless of where one chooses to publicly talk to other people without using their voice, there will be at least one person that stands out.

The Argo off of Chicago Ave, the one near Watertower, is usually busy. This Friday afternoon was no different. The only open seats faced west, directly into the late afternoon sun. Once a spot away from the sun opened up I had already logged an hour of online work. The second space I occupied faced a Caucasian woman in her early 50s. She had been in the tea house for some time. A angel that looked like it would have been at home at a grade school craft sale guarded the left side of her space. To the right was a book on Mozart. Next to that was sheet music. The woman's laptop helped shine a light on the tears. Every ten minutes the woman would openly weep and aggressively rub her right eye. Between the tears were open sighs.

Past the woman sat a father and daughter. They looked out of place. Neither of them talked to each other, made eye contact or smiled. The father sat on the edge of his big comfy chair, turned and staring out the window behind him. The daughter occasionally glanced around, up from her book.

---

I finished another video. I shot the footage in September 2006 in London. I forgot about the footage until last night, when I was trying to find stuff I shot for Daniel Knox. I think this will be the last Fetor video without a story and/or a person.

---

My New Year's project or whatever you want to call it will be to watch 104 films I haven't seen and ready 52 books. For good measure, I'll try to make 6 new videos. I should get this god damn tooth, the one that's been fucked up for over 4 years now, fixed and not drink as much booze and eat as much food. "I'm not trying to sound like a dick, but why don't you just get a job with good insurance?" I'll read the books and watch the films and make the videos, but I will probably not make enough to get this tooth filled.

---

The Machine Media Podcast will begin in the next seven days. Kelsey and I have recorded a few but I'm not sure if they're good enough. I bought a preamp and mixer to improve quality and dug out some decent mics. I figure that the best way to make the thing work is start making recordings and see if anyone listens. I sure do have a nifty outlook. Anyways, Kelsey and I both miss doing our respected radio shows so we'll hopefully fill that void.

Buy me gifts. Most are there to help me lose weight, read more and move along The Machine.

Yet another non-plug

The Machine should be coming out in January, our sixth issue and the first quarterly edition. Kelsey and I should begin recording listenable podcasts now that we have some basic equipment. I've started a new blog about "Rolling Stone" covers. Fetor has recorded "The Epitome of Corruption" and released "A Campaign of Suffering."

I have very little money.

Doings

I'm working on a new look for The Machine site. Much more basic, more blogger friendly.

Fetor releases an album Friday. We're also recording one Friday. Same show. I've been busy with that.

It's officially Thanksgiving. I'm in Indian Head Park, bored out of my mind.

I think Issue 5 of The Machine will be pirate themed. Maybe we'll become a quarterly. Or fade away. Maybe have a party and burn all previous issues, leaving no proof behind. Not sure.

Time to make the donuts

It's beautiful outside. It was 20 degrees warmer yesterday. It'll be 20 degrees cooler tomorrow.

Kelsey and I will be spinning Chicago music at Delilah's tonight. I've been listening to a lot of Bo Diddley, so tonight should be good.

Kelsey and I fly to New York next week. We're going to CMJ. It'll be my fourth time, first without a radio station. This means that I don't have to go to any panels. More times to see bands I've never heard of, which is much more fun in practice than theory.

Daytime television commercials make the viewer feel like a failure. Daytime television shows make the viewer feel like a winner. Thanks, Judge Joe Brown, Mathis, Texas Justice, Divorce Court, etc.

BLOG!!!

UPDATE!!! I JUST ATE A BURRITO!!! TOO QUICKLY!!!

If I did sleep with you, I must've been wasted out of my mind.

USA! USA! TOMMY GUNN!!!

I'll be driving around in an Enterprise van for the next two days. I have a college education. That's why the van works. Because I'm really, really smart. And I watch "Maury".

Phil Spector's trial is over. Mistrial. Kelsey will be let down. No pen-pals. At least not yet. That guy is bald! Fashion crime!

UPDATE!!! THE BURRITO IS STILL INSIDE OF MY BODY!!!

Deadlines

Issue 5 of The Machine will come out when Kelsey and I want it to come out. R.I.P. MegaMall.

We're going to New York next month and I'm excited to see other urban neighborhoods for five days.

I haven't read many books this year. That'll change in 2008. Back to at least 52. If I don't follow through I might as well just drink all day.

The Machine hasn't had much work done since July. I haven't written much since June. I have worked on Fetor everyday for the past 3-months but it seems like a waste of time. It's extremely fulfilling playing with Mike and Paul, but what's the ultimate goal? How much are any of us willing to sacrifice in order to "make it", whether that be coke and whores or money and whores.

Proof that I'm a real writer: The walls were painted with the dull pang of children's broken dreams and parents unfulfilled hopes.

Blah blah blah.

It's much more satisfying to sing a song at a loud volume (that phrase is either incorrect or just sounds wrong) than to wow strangers with diction. Unless you're a dick.

Maybe I should be living in a country setting. No neighbors for miles. Scream all you like, no one is going to complain. Maybe we all should live in a country setting. With urban amenities. Like easy access to food, booze, cigarettes and a high speed connection in order to see nude pictures of the cast of "High School Musical" and "Beauty and the Geek."

The "Sex and the City" movie begins shooting today. I hope the following occurs in the "Sex and the City" movie...
-One of the women become unemployed and the other three refuse to acknowledge her
-Herpes
-AIDS
-One falls in love with a hobo
-Stabbing
-A neat fireworks display
-None of the four main characters speak
-Tons o'cock
-A shot of me buying a gyro at 4am in Manhattan
-A cure for AIDS that Magic Johnson steals
-No narration
-Amy Sedaris not following the script

Fuck you, "Entertainment Tonight."

Take my cred

Come live in Humboldt Park. Enjoy the fighting neighbors. Soak in the dog abuse. Observe the 6-year olds play in an abandoned house at 1am. Earn more cred than you'll ever need. Because we all need cred. I'll sell you mine for a place in Lincoln Park.

MachineFest, Night 12

Kelsey did door. I manned the bar. We saw nothing. The cops showing up was a nice way to end the 12-days.

MachineFest, Night 11

Besides the stolen backpack, the dance party at Modemtotem was a success.

MachineFest, Night 10

The Wanderers cancelled on us. It didn't matter. Fuck The Wanderers. Little Sister stepped in and blew everyone away. Fuck structure, fuck politeness, fuck everything, Little Sister has.

Doug Travis needs to play more shows. They're the only band more visually exciting than Little Sister.

Hot Lips Messiah was crowd pleasing, but it's all about Little Sister.

MachineFest, Night 9

Happened.

---

When you know you're no fun

While all the other peers of mine are dancing to the band in the basement, I am upstairs wasting time typing. The stench of weed is a second thought to most, but not to me. Rather than let things just be, I decide to avoid it at all cost. Avoid talking to anyone. Avoid dancing. Avoid making a new friend.

The kids are enjoying themselves. I'm not a child and neither are they, but they are kids to me. They're kids because they dance to enjoy their $5. I am not a kid because I don't pay the $5. I get in for free and wish I wasn't here.

Girls with wet tops and boys with sweaty brows are to my left and right. Behind me is a brick wall. I'm trying to hide from everyone, but not in a "Please, I'm sad, please talk to me" way, but more in a subtle, blankless expression way. People occasionally walk by and make eye contact. I instantly regret looking up.

But things aren't that bad. I have at least 20 more ounces of beer at my disposal. I will drink all of these ounces and use all of my might to prevent cursing at the owners of where I'm currently stealing internet. I will do everything I can to quiet the urge to destroy everything I see. To stand on faces while I stab necks. To dismantle PAs in order to make my sound louder.

Do this, in memory of me.

MachineFest, Night 8

It's not possible to have a bad show at Cal's. It's always loud and if you don't like the band, you can sit outside on Van Buren and drink beer.

Shopping is very good. I bought two 7 inches and a tour CD. Rise of Man makes excellent metal and now I want to play metal. Altgeld Forgotten has gotten much tighter and has played all 8 festivals I've booked (I think). I want to sing for Shotgun For Royalty.

We should have had every show at Cal's.

MachineFest, Night 7

Hip-hop night at the Darkroom. We broke even. A hip-hop show in Ukranian Village on a Monday night with great sets from each performer is a success to me.

Yea Big and Kid Static made me smile.

MachineFest, Night 6

I could listen to Daniel Knox everyday of my life and still enjoy it. His set, along with Eric Ziegenhagen and KT the Band was a nice break from all the loud music. I'd like to have each of them perform in my living room on a weekly basis.

MachineFest, Night 5

Technically everyone at The Flower Shop stopped what they were doing to dance to Nightfox's set.

MachineFest, Night 4

The buzz night.

Charlie Deets was billed to perform. Charlie Deets performed with the members of his band Sally. They performed two songs in 25-minutes. It was wonderful and psychedelic.

Aleks in the Drummer had a piece about them in the Friday edition of the Chicago Tribune and Red Eye. Buzz. Aleks' vocal melodies make their songs. There's not much I can say that every music blog hasn't.

J+J+J actually got people to dance at Double Door.

Arks closed out the night and, I swear to god, they looked like they were having fun.

It'll probably be the best night of the fest.

MachineFest, Night 3

Our first show at Ronny's. If a band sounds good in a garage, they'll sound good anywhere.

Mr. Russia added a second bassist. This makes them a power trio, with bass, drums and bass. Imagine all the Shellac songs when Albini doesn't play guitar. It's like that. It's good. It's loud.

Twin Wrecks the Memory played. They're becoming my go-to band whenever I seem to hate rock and roll.

Team Band got really drunk and were really fun.

Another one next week. I'm expecting Doug Travis to pull out all the stops.

MachineFest, Night 2

There was a monsoon or flash flood or something horrible with rain. From an hour before doors til the last band took the stage, the weather was not on our side last night. Even so, we still managed to have a good night at Double Door. The Hushdrops were spot on. The Goldstars brought go-go dancers to an appreciative crowd. Venom Lords treated everyone to pop punk ditties. Kelsey and I filled time with Chicago tunes. All in all, a good night despite Jesus hating us.

MachineFest, Night 1

Opening night at Liar's Club was fun, too much fun. For the first time I opened a festival I booked (this time co-booked) with my own band. Fetor played a set in reverse order, new stuff to old stuff. We were out of tune, no one could hear my vocals and I smashed a Flying V. It was a good set.

Mannequin Men spun old rock and roll tunes. WLUW DJs made people dance upstairs. Everyone was pleased.

Thunderwing played songs about rocking and did a lot of rock and roll posing. Their fans were also happy.

Most importantly, Herb, the owner of Liar's Club, was happy. If the owner is happy, I'm happy.

We made a good amount of money for the next issue. At this rate, we might actually dig ourselves out of debt.

Kelsey did not go to work. I am even sicker than the day before. We won.

Why did we decide to start a fest on a Tuesday?

Holy fucking

Fucking in a wheelchair, less to fight off.

HAHAHAHAHA. A Poem. I'm a POET. You're a poet.

Do you see that hole? I can't be like that.

Do you know about St. Henry?

We're going to have a bake sale to raise $300,000. It's time to learn God's Gospel.

What the fuck am I writing about? I'm the BEST beat writer. Bro.

This week I will ingest Dayquil, Nyquil, Rye whiskey, beer, cigarette smoke (1st and 2nd) and microwaveable diet food.

Liar's Club. I keep thinking of Liar's Club. Then it'll be the next show. If there's no next show I better break all my guitars.

Two more days

Fetor at Liar's Club. A chance to burn bridges in musical form while showing the size of my guitar dick.

Pre-MachineFest

The fest starts next Tuesday. We lost two venues in the last week. I've been drinking a lot of coffee and hoping not to hear anyone cry.

Do I even like this anymore? Some of the shows are fun and some of the people are fun and sometimes I have fun, but I can't remember the last time that happened. I can't remember the last time I had fun doing all this type of work. If I got high I would have a lot of fun.

It's no fun trying to work with 'revolutionaries'. It's no fun when you're sober. It's violent when you're drunk.

I talk to Kelsey and Mike and not many others. That's OK by me.

I don't talk about my experiences working on large scale festivals because they're not positive. The people that know me understand this. The people that don't ask for tickets.

This isn't funny.

Slowly turning Republican with each inhale of second-hand pot smoke.

Come on, kids

Scary is fun and all, but look at who is making the scary.

The new Manson video ends with his new gal pal, 19-year old, Ms. Wood and the Anti-Christ drive a car over a cliff. It's very dramatic. Then the screen fades to black. Even more dramatic. Then comes "INTERSCOPE 2007".

Scary.

It would be much more frightening if anyone cared.

Melting

I now live in Humboldt Park.

Wang Dang Doodle

3

Issue 3 comes out tomorrow. Party three days from now. The cat loves me because I give him tuna.

"I don't even knows if he's mines or nots."

But Iggy's fucking rich

Josh Grobin makes me happy I'm not rich. I bet rich people my age like him.

No Fun

Non-digital cable sucks.

It took almost 6-hours that I could read before I sleep rather than watch TV or listen to records. That's fucked up.

The Machine Issue 3 comes out Wednesday. Party on Saturday. Rock 'N Roll guitar every night.

The Machine site finally has a surplus of stories. It only took about two-years.

Doug is going to Oregon State. He was kind enough to give me his giant canvas. It now has a noose.

Saturday was Rage Against The Machine. Sunday was The Stooges. Monday did not have a reunion.

My mother is applying for a overnight shift at K-Mart. While I'm pleased that she's looking for work once again, I am disappointed that she is not able to use her college education. I'm not sure if my sadness is due to her or my socialization. Fuck it. Maybe she can steal some shit. Like Iggy. Iggy would steal shit. Iggy would steal shit and then fuck the manager. Then Iggy would spend a few years homeless in L.A. Maybe I shouldn't think of Iggy so much.

What Easter is really about

Nope.

I did this.

Groceries

I can't shake grocery stores. Everything about them. Everything they are to all people. I'm helpless. I can't figure it out. I'll write more in zine form.

I bought pizza rolls and shampoo.

If I don't stop this I'll never get anywhere

Rather than use the internet for good or evil I'm using it to waste time. Accidentally researching stories and finding out more about bands from Chicago I've never heard of. I guess I'm not cut out for writing. I get too envious of people.

The outlying suburbs seem like the Wild West.

buck oh five

Though I've been on a computer with an Internet connection every day I haven't had a desire to update this thing. Since my last update I have...

-discovered the joys of mp3 blogs
-went to a wedding in Iowa
-started a new zine about things I don't understand
-came up with what I think would be a worthwhile grant proposal
-painted a RobotJesus
-wasted days (if you add it up) on the bus

Some of my friends are doing amazing things. Some of them should be in prison. I'm somewhere in the middle. I will never write a song like "The Middle" by Jimmy Eat World.

Late nite, not night, but nite

Thank God for God. When it's past midnight and before 7am, I desire insane rhetoric aimed at God fearing souls. Did you know Jesus knew everything that was going to happen? Well, I just learned that. Thank you, WGN. You truly are the World's Greatest Network.

Holy shit, did I get fat. I don't wake up everyday and think I'm fat or care all that much, but my Widget has shown me the light. Photos from 2001. Photos of things I don't remember doing with people I no longer talk to. I have gained a substantial amount of weight.

Why is Dan calling me at 1:20am? Something about the band Traffic and choreographed moves.

There was a man in Mark chapter 5 that was possessed by demons and ran naked through a grave yard. Intellectuals are dumb like that guy. Girls are going wild. They went without underwear and spread their legs. God is going to hold you girls responsible. Jesus built my hot rod. All programs, infomercial, sitcom, news, etc., should have a guy that ties everything together. It sure makes the Bible a lot easier to understand.

I talked into a microphone, it stole my soul

Click the album art to go to the download page
or click here to get it on iTunes!

Fall of Autumn presents Brandon Wetherbee reading a piece entitled "The Ultimate Warrior was the Catalyst for the September 11th Attacks." Brandon has written over twenty issues of his perzine, Foul, contributed to Sanitary & Ship and is the co-editor of the Chicago publication, The Machine.

Everybody's fancy

We're running a little behind on issue 2. Everything will be done by Friday, but instead of taking advantage of the week off, nothing was accomplished. I've added notes to my stories but haven't put anything substantial on the screen.

Sidenote: I think there are werewolf noises on the Beck song "Nausea". There's definitly something.

Friday night was all about the corner of Lincoln and Irving. Kelsey used to live in Lincoln Square but we haven't spent an entire night in the neighborhood for a long time. We ate at Orange Garden, saw Paul's band at Silvie's (more about that later this week on the Machine site), drank a few beers with Mike at a decent bar that had $1 pints but an identity crisis (sports vs. dive vs. yuppie) and watched "Da Ali G" show at Mike's place about a bathroom fixture store.

That last paragraph is proof positive that I'm much too out-of-touch with whatever is cool. The following will also prove my case.

I spent Saturday with my mother in Indian Head Park. The visit wasn't nearly as depressing as it could have been. Her overall demeanor was better than usual and I was calm after finishing a Mr. Rogers book.

The evening was spent at the Brain, manning the door. I still smell like smoke. It was also the first night there in months that I didn't write a word. That's not a good sign.

I spent more than 75% of the day in bed (if you count a futon mattress on a floor a bed). I consumed fried food like a real man. I napped from 10-11pm like a real man. I'm up at 2:54am like a real man.

While updating the Machine myspace page I came across an ad that looked like a possible DJ opportunity. It was actually for a porn star signing in LA. The porn star is in works similiar to SuicideGirls, if SuicideGirls did actual porn. I did some more research and the correlation between major and indie porn isn't much different than major and indie music labels. I'm trying to find a Chicago spin on this thing because it's one of the most interesting media related stories I've stumbled across.

I'm spinning at least five times in February. I'd like to make increase that number to seven. I'm not sure why. I fucking hate this time of year.

Witty?

This should be more witty. I'm not so witty. I'm full of yogurt and orange juice at 3:01am.

Juicy Juice

Issue 2 is mostly written. A piece on Rogers Park by Eric Lab Rat. A column about the CTA by Emerson Dameron. A interview conducted by Arvo. Kelsey and I are working on pieces about the Loop preacher, the closing of the downtown Carson's, a one-on-one with a dominatrix (I hope this one is taken out of context), maybe the Alley, maybe a Captain Chicago comment and maybe another creepy photo essay. All of this would be done if I didn't drink so much orange juice and soaked in so much Maury.

Lie detectors lie. That may or may not be a lie.

Still in the running

"America's Next Top Model" proves that the females that want to be models on the series are wonderful wastes of life. Almost as big of a waste as that last sentence.

Get a blank piece of paper.

Stare at it.

Think of someone that has let you down, made you angry, filled you with hate.

Cry.

Let it out.

Bitch.

Clever.

Kelsey and I spun at the Brain for New Year's Eve. We had a good time with Emerson and Nell. The first three songs of 2007 were
Mr. Rogers "It's Such A Good Feeling"
Chamilionaire "Ridin'"
AC/DC "Highway to Hell"
The song that got the biggest reaction was Sam Cooke's "Dancing the Night Away".


To celebrate the new year full of Mr. Rogers, Eric and Sarah came over and we had deep fried pizza, Chicago cookies (see The Machine for more on that), candy bars, Oreo's, Chex mix and more. Everyone won/lost.

We just finished uploading issue 1 of The Machine.

Done.

58. Mark Leyner and Billy Goldberg "Why Do Men Have Nipples? Hundreds of Questions You'd Only Ask a Doctor After Your Third Martini"

It's for the kids, it's always for the kids

My friend Alan is putting together a zine about the holidays. Since I got too sentimental on the baseball issue of Foul I decided to rework "The Night Before Christmas".

Side note: Blame Aaron and Kate

Side note 2: I wrote a piece on R. Kelly in 2002. It pretty much said that people shouldn't fuck with the guy because he pisses on under aged girls. It was sarcastic. A guy in one of my classes happened to share the same lawyer as R. Kelly and the kid told me that if I didn't stop writing pieces like that I was going to get sued. Here's another piece like that.

An R. Kelly X-Mas
by Brandon Wetherbee

'Twas an R. Kelly Xmas, when all through the house,

Children were moaning and using their mouths;

The stocking were hung in the sauna with care,

In hopes that the Pied Piper would soon be there;

The children were soaked on skin so bare,

While visions of happy people two stepped in their heads,

And mama in her room and R being trapped,

Had just entered a closet for a long X-Mas rap,

When out in the sauna there arouse such a clatter,

R sprang from his studio to see what was the matter,

Away to the floor R danced like a flash,

Tore open the condoms and threw up the wrap.

TV glare on the breast of the new-teens chest,

Gave the lustre of pee to a hairless below,

When, what to R's wondering eyes should appear,

But a BET award, and eight tiny pre-teens,

With a little dead wife, so lifeless and sick,

R knew in a moment it was "the best" in Arabic.

More rapid than eagles his juices they came,

And she whistled, and shouted, and performed them by name;

"Now, anal! now, leapfrog! now, doggy and cross!

On, cowgirl! on T-square! on shocker and fisting!

To the top of the shaft! to the base of my balls!

Now suck away! suck away! suck away all!"

As R. Kelly penned "I Believe I Can Fly",

When he meets with an obstacle, he can touch the sky.

So down to McDonalds the Escalade he flew,

With the sleigh full of toys, and the Pied Piper too.

And then, in a twinkling, kids moistened their kooch

The groanings and moanings of each little hooch.

As R drew in his pants, and was dancing around,

Out from the drive-thru R. Kelly came with a bound.

He was dressed in all white, from his head to his foot,

And his clothes were all stained with jism and gook;

A bundle of preteens he had flung on his back,

And he looked like a molester just opening his pants.

His eyes - how they leered! his dimples so eerie!

His chapters were like opera, his words hip-hopera!

His mouth was moist with thoughts of menstrual flow,

And the thoughts behind his mask a desire to know.

The stump of a story he sold on the street,

And the laughs he ignored was some kind of feat,

He had a thick skull and a fetish quite smelly,

That filmed, when he came on a female named Kelly.

He was happy and soulful, a man sure of himself,

And I laughed when I saw him, in spite of the tape I watched of him having sex with underage girls and peeing on them, on the shelf;

A tinkle in their eyes and a twist on his bed,

Soon gave me to know this man's not right in the head;

He sang not a word, but went straight to his quirk,

And filled all the holes; then turned and he jerked,

And spreading his love inside of her nose,

And giving a nod, up the vagina he rose;

He sprang to his sauna, to his teen gave a whistle,

And away it flew down her down her throat like a missile.

But I heard him exclaim, ere he penetrated like a knife,

"An R. Kelly X-Mas to all, and to all a good-night!"

Mother fucker

57. Ross Macdonald "The Chill"

As honorable as Trump

I'm going to win the next Miss USA and blow every strip club owner from Maine to California because it's the American way. I'll also do body shots with every bartender because everyone could use a shot.

I'm going to be interviewed on "Extra" and talk about how I could have gave up and I thought about giving up but I didn't give up because you shouldn't give up.

I'm going to join as many gangs as possible.

Cancer

I'm bored out of my mind. Always bored. BORED. bored.

It's never sunny. It's never that warm. It's ugly. There isn't green anything. Damn.

56. James M. Cain "The Postman Always Rings Twice"

Eric and I had a great time at 3am. We went to the Second City 24-hour benefit thing and saw Shellac on the ETC. stage. We were in the first row, in front of the kick drum. I can't speak for Eric but my hearing was damaged in a good way.

Amy got me the Black Sabbath, Ozzy only years, box set for my birthday. I've wanted this thing since it came out and I'm glad I didn't have to shell out $100 for it.

That should be enough name dropping for a while.

Bored and broke. I'm an asshole to boot.

Check out The Machine site if you can and give me some feedback. I don't know how to fix the front page but I added events and fixed up a few images and information. That information is boring.

I'm siding with a man named Warrior

The Ultimate Warrior was my favorite wrestler after Jake the Snake Roberts and before The Undertaker. He was not certifiably insane, but definitly not a "normal" wrestler. He quit the WWF over money issues, legally changed his name to Warrior to protect his merchandising propects and has had conflicts with pretty much everyone he's worked with. Regardless, I am agreeing with Warrior.

In April of 2005 Warrior gave a lecture sponsored by campus Republicans at the University of Connecticut. The reading was supposed to be no different than the other speaking engagements he had done. The Tent Group, a left-leaning campus group made sure their presence was known. The Warrior is a politically incorrect right wing conservative. Forty-five minutes into the lecture the Warrior says "queering doesn't make the world work". This elicited a not-so positive reaction from the Tent Group. (The Warrior never has come out and said that homosexuality is "wrong," he has said that the statement is in reference to the world's population)

Though I don't agree with most of the Warriors beliefs, I found myself rooting for the guy when watching the clip on YouTube. It's difficult to have any sympathy for a democratic group at the University of Connecticut, especially when they're all white.

After the event the Campus Republicans apologized for having the Warrior speak at the event the Warrior replied and said the Republicans have no backbone and that the campus group smelled like "patchouli oil and burnt flag".

I love the Warrior. I want him to go on a speaking tour with Monique. They would always smell like flowers and piss off everyone. Then the Warrior would Warrior Splash anyone that got out of control and Monique would let all the males fuck the fat between her arm and side.

I'm not reading enough

55. Norbert Blei "Chi Town"
54. some ghost stories book for 4th graders

Kill 'em all

53. Dashiell Hammett "Red Harvest"

It may rain in the neighborhood but that's ok

My good friend Daniel Knox and I are both fans of Mr. Rogers. If all goes as planned we're going to have a celebration of Mr. Rogers life on Febuary 27 2007, the four year anniversary of his passing away. While doing research on Fred Rogers I began listening to an interview he did on The Diane Rehm Show in 2002.

Diane Rehm is a slow talker, similiar to Mr. Rogers. Her voice is fragile and sounds even weaker when filtered through RealPlayer. The host and her guest together is an odd pairing. Imagine an ordinary interview on WBEZ played at half-speed. Anyways, Mr. Rogers is an excellent guest. Mrs. Rehm asks her guest about his characters in the Land of Make Believe and Mr. Rogers presents some of them. The second half of the show is for calls. No one calls with a question. Mother after mother give accounts of how Mr. Rogers has helped them raise their children. The second caller had me in tears.

I used to ridicule my mother because of her love for Mr. Rogers. At 10 years old I didn't want to hear some old guy sing songs. At 23 I want to hear some old guy sing songs.

Things don't seem so bad with Mr. Rogers. He never shied away from difficult issues. Anger was a common theme on his show and there were multiple special episodes that dealt with death, divorce, war, murder and more. It's all going to be ok and if Mr. Rogers believed it, I'll believe it too.

I'm 14

Kill Hannah is on 'JBTV'. They're talking about the Smashing Pumpkins. The only difference between 2006 and 1996 is I'm a hell of a lot heavier and know about a few more bands.

I (kind of) reached the goal

52. Jake Austen "TV-a-Go-Go: Rock on TV from American Bandstand to American Idol"

Ladytron

I spent a few hours making a back-up playlist for the fashion show. When I opened said list while setting up sound equipment I erased my work with one Chaka Kahn song. That kind of sums up the fashion show. Kelsey, Eric and I got to play music for about 15-minutes while dealing with MCing an event we knew nothing about.

I stayed up til 6am on accident. I'm afraid of writing anything too exciting or downright depressing in this space in case one of my students finds this nook of the Internet. Stinkin' kids, never letting me ruin amusement parks.

I'm convinced that art is not all around us nor is revolution. One would be hard pressed after traveling the globe to find either. Than again, I haven't seen the Lake up close in over a year and I live less than a mile away so all that I really know is that I'm full of shit.

He IS the father.

I am an accomplished author that will influence generations to come

Eight copies of issue 17 of Foul were sold at Chicago Comics. I got $6 for my writings. I bought a sweater with my earnings. Suck my dick John Grisham.